


The Broken Road

by Soitgoes210



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drugs, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, References to Addiction, Slow Burn, Teen Romance, Thanksgiving
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2020-09-24 02:07:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20350594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soitgoes210/pseuds/Soitgoes210
Summary: The one where Rue is hospitalized for a kidney infection and runs into a familiar candy striper.Or...The one in which Lexi is just as damaged as everyone else, trying to survive heartache, disappointment, and addiction. She many not be perfect, but maybe, she’s perfect for Rue.





	1. The One with All the Orange Jello

_Rue_

There are moments, snippets of time really, where Rue feels an eerie sense of déjà vu. It’s not necessarily that she feels like she’s experienced a moment more than once, but more a feeling best described as her knowing the outcome of a book before reading that last chapter. Similar to how she feels a little psychic when she’d get high, and somehow become an omnipresent narrator of her friends’ lives. She doesn’t like to think too hard on it, but her manic and moderately anxious mind runs with it anyways.

It’s as if her whole life has been foretold, but not in any religious or fated sense. No, definitely not. More like some truly cosmic joke. One, in which, she plays a comedic anecdote, or a small footnote, in someone else’s life story. One where they’ll go, “Remember that Bennett girl in high school, she’d gotten so fucked up she was crying and thinking she was climbing walls like Spider-Man” or some shit. But no one will ask whatever happened to her, because it wasn’t really a significant moment in their lives, except to feel better about themselves and their non-fuck up ways.

She’d play the on again, off again addict, with her back story not really highlighted and reason never addressed, because really, who gave a fuck. No, she’d repeat the same scripted lines, continuously make the same stupid decisions, and ultimately end up in the same fucked up situations. Full circle. As if her and her high school acquaintances were part of some tortuously drama packed 90’s sitcom on rerun, that to be honest-was more tragic than funny. She’d stay constantly on the never-ending wheel, falling off one time or another, getting back up, but knowing full well she wouldn’t or couldn’t maintain it. Ultimately she’ll fizzle out young never truly reaching her full potential. And sometimes when Rue Bennett feels this bizarre and otherworldly sense that she’s rounded this corner before. Sometimes she’ll imagine things ending differently, but that’s never reality.

Sitting here in this hospital bed with her kidneys searing in pain, she knows it’s not the first or last time she’ll be sober. Hell, she’d almost had to start her count over based on a technicality, her own set of rules.

She winces on the word.

Rules. The distant ship name catapults into her mind unwillingly. She pushes it back, somehow knowing even now how that relationship will conclude. It will go down in flames, due to a desperation to hold on, and a hurt that will knock her off that wheel once again. It’s fucking painful to think about. She’s probably just over-thinking it. She hopes she is.

Looking at the clock above the whiteboard, she realizes she was definitely over thinking it. After all, she’d been sitting here deep in thought for almost two hours. Times like these, she wonders if other people get these random thoughts and feelings, or if it’s just the chemical imbalance in her brain. And again she internally asks herself, do bipolar people know they’re bipolar? Feeling a sharp pain in her back, she guesses that’s a question best left unanswered for now.

It’s probably the combination of pain, anxiety, and the familiar backdrop setting of her hospital room that has her crazy ass mind racing anyways. She feels restless.

To her left she sees her mom and Gia. The night before they had gotten her admitted into the hospital around midnight. After laying down with her mom for a bit, the pain had gotten so intense, enough so that it drove Rue to some embarrassing groaning and crying. She hadn’t come by choice, her mom had carried her to their gold impala, and Rue wasn’t in any state to fight her off exactly. After picking up Gia, they’d headed straight to the emergency room at the local hospital. 

She recounts the night before and the events that occurred following their rush to the hospital. How she’d gotten a glimpse of what it was like to be on her mother’s bad side, not that she hadn’t been on the other end of that anger. She was in so much agony, she was barely a spectator. But all it took was the nurse aid at the front desk telling her mom to calm down after MamaBear Bennett questioned when they’d get a room after waiting 20 minutes.

If she hadn’t felt like she was dying, she’d have probably chuckled at the tell-tale signs of her pissed off mother. Her mom’s eyebrows immediately furrowed at the aid’s tone, her mouth pinched, and that big vein on her forehead became more and more prominent. Suffice to say, Rue got admitted to a room not five minutes later, and shed finally gotten some relief. God, or whoever, thank you for that infuriating woman.

Looking back at her mom and sister sleeping soundly in the recliner chairs she feels slightly guilty, not for the first time for letting them down. She’d gotten a little over dramatic and may have raised her voice amid the crying and accused her mother of interfering with her and Jules’ relationship. This of course, was after her mom had confiscated her phone after receiving a message from Jules. Deep down, Rue knows she means well. It’s not like her mother blamed Jules for Rue’s latest foray down the depression rabbit hole. 

And she basically had to shut up about her phone, Jules, and the text when her mother grabbed both sides of her face calmly. She’d given her a mix between a loving and concerned look, one only mothers seem able to master.

“I don’t blame Jules in the slightest for where you’re at right now. In fact, she seems like a nice enough girl and for the most part you’ve come out of your shell when she’s been around. I’ve seen a carefree Rue Bennett that I haven’t seen in a while.”

At her words, Rue smiled slightly giving her a confused expression, “Then why wouldn’t-“

“I know you’ve been down and out of sorts lately. Rue, honey, listen please. This last week I’ve seen you stress and constantly check your phone, only to be disappointed. I know you’re worried. Worried about her or your guys’ relationship, I haven’t the faintest idea. And you don’t have to tell me-but...,” she stops eyes getting teary as she tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

“My sweet girl, I’m worried about you. And as your mother I am asking you to be a little selfish right now. You’ve made so much progress, some of which, I’m sure is thanks her. But I want-no I need you to be selfish. Be selfish with your love for now baby. I need you to take a step back from whatever situation you’re going through with Jules for a moment. Sometimes people need to focus on themselves, sometimes, my darling daughter you need to help yourself before you can focus on anyone else.” And with that her mother effectively shut up her babbling and whining. Man, was she good.

Sitting here in her hospital room, while everyone snoozes, she begins to feel restless. And in feeling restless, her mind begins to wander back to the message she hadn’t replied to. Luckily, her Lexapro had kicked in or she’d have probably had a full-blown panic attack with all the possibilities of what Jules had meant. But following her mom’s advice for one of the first times of her young life-she decides to take the fool-proof route of avoiding bad thoughts. Distraction.

Tip-toeing out of her bed, which is extremely hard considering it’s like a full-blown air mattress on wheels, she sneaks past her family into the bright hall of the hospital. It takes a bit of time because she’s gotta roll her IV Pimp along with her, but she manages not to crash it into anything. She’s got on a checkered blue hospital gown with these ugly blue socks that indicate she’s not a crazy pants (or at least an escaping crazy pants) and her dads’s hoodie.

She’s not too worried about her appearance, she just knows for a fact that her curly locks are messily spread all over, she’s never really been self-conscientious about that though. Besides it’s about 8 o’clock in the morning on a Sunday, who the heck would she even run into in the hospital.

She begins having some fun as she roams the halls of her hospital unit. She starts to hunt down all the good places to scavenge for snacks throughout the rooms. All the nurses keep giving her is Orange Jello. She fucking hates Orange flavored anything.

She’s speeding down the halls in search and begins to make a new game of it. And maybe it’s her OCD tendencies like making sure to place each of her feet in a sidewalk square on the way home or counting her steps guessing how many it will take to reach her destination. It calms her thoughts and for her a settled mind is a welcome distraction.

She starts to time how fast she can make it from one end of the hall to the other, Rue isn’t allowed to run though (she’d been warned by a nurse) so she starts using her rolling pump as a makeshift scooter. Pretty soon she’s gaining speed, trying to beat her previous time as she breezes by maintenance workers and aides with a cheesy smile on her face.

She loved hospitals. Even through her dads dialysis treatments and constant doctor’s visits, she felt as if the hospital was a safe place. Free of worry or stress. A place where people were cared after, where they were sometimes born, and where sometimes they died. A hospital was an almost reverent place to Rue. It was a peaceful place for her, what she considered a church to be for someone religious.

She’s thinking about how she should have her mom schedule more medical appointments at the hospital instead of at their family’s physician office, when she rounds the corner. Lost in her own thoughts, careening down the hall, she doesn’t manage to see a door opening a few feet away from her.

She doesn’t see the person stepping into the hallway, she doesn’t see the red low-top converse, or the striped crimson dress resting above her future victim’s knees, in fact, all she sees before catapulting into this person full speed, is a too tall stack of scratchy hospital towels with no face.

At that moment Rue thinks two things. As she runs this person over and goes flying, her first thought is thank god they’re in a hospital, because she may have severely injured or killed whoever this was. She thinks the second after she hits the floor, skins her chin on the linoleum floor, winces while slowly looks up to assess the damage she’d caused. 

There are moments in Rue’s life, snippets of time really, they can last anywhere from a split second to a full day. It is in these moments she feels an eerie sense of déjà vu, as if she knows the outcome before it can happen. 

It is in this moment, that Rue feels this otherworldly sense of familiarity. When she looks up chin stinging, IV pump lying next to her, hair a hot mess all over, and sees an unconscious Lexi Howard dressed as a candy striper. Surrounding her are roughly 10 scratchy hospital towels strewn about unfolded.

Obviously she starts to get up and call for a nurse, as her brain processes she may have killed her old friend, but she can’t help feel as if this is one of those situations with the roads her teacher had mentioned in English class.

In that second, as she looks at Lexi passed out on the floor, Rue is puzzled. And her second thought since running over her childhood best friend is that for first time she feels as though there are multiple possibilities or outcomes. And it’s that thought that throws her for a loop.

Somehow through helping Lexi up and checking over their injuries, Rue feels an anxiety fueled emotion wash over her. It’s both scary and exhilarating, this unknown conclusion to their unpredictable collision. She scans her eyes over Lexi’s face and holds her breath, waiting for her to open her eyes.  


It’s the longest 60 seconds of her life...  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Lexi_

Lexi Howard has always been a dreamer, and only sometimes a liar.

Often she’d find herself spacing out during an art class or on a drive home from school, while peering at the passing scenery. Her mind would wander to situations that could happen or experiences she wished hadn’t. Most of her daydreams revolved around her circle of family and friends, never herself.

For her parents, she dreamt that her mom had stayed faithful and that her father had fought harder for his family. She’d imagined her fractured family whole, without alcoholism or addiction staining her childhood memories. She could picture a happy and content Cassie, who hadn’t felt the void of their father’s abandonment. A Cassie who didn’t feel the need to depend on a guy to control her happiness.

For her friends, she imagined Maddy wising up to her own self-worth and realizing she didn’t need Nate Jacobs to feel powerful. That she understood she wasn’t her parents and didn’t feel the need to settle for what she could get. She wished Kat would let love in, instead of putting on the bdsm mask she’d been sporting lately. She imagined Kat and that guy Ethan finally growing some balls and getting their shit together.

As for BB, she hadn’t really thought about what she’d imagine the other girl wanting. Ironically her ghetto chic friend was the most stable of them all, though you couldn’t tell by looking. At least she laid it all out there instead of pretending everything was fine.

Not to say that Lexi herself is a saint. She’s definitely done inventory on her own dirty laundry and acknowledges that, she too, hides behind her good girl persona. She hadn’t intentionally set out to be this dependable martyr who looked out for others. Somewhere along the way she felt it was easier to deal with other people’s drama then to deal with her own, and it kind of just happened.

She made mistakes, thought bad thoughts, and wished for things that selfishly shouldn’t be. She lied constantly about her feelings, perspectives, and opinions. Granted most of those lies were white lies of omission, she still felt guilty about them. The truth was, Lexi Howard was screaming on the inside. She’d gotten so good at hiding her faults, no one thought to take a closer look. She dealt with her issues in unproductive ways, always hiding the evidence of her outlets. But she didn’t feel like going there just yet.

Through all of her lying, she forgets that technically, she does dream for herself. The most common daydream she’d have revolved around the same person. Her best (well formerly best, now renewed) friend, Rue Bennett. Her dreams for Rue fluctuated constantly, sometimes they revolved around significant moments and sometimes something as insignificant as a small glance.

Her selfish wishes, involved a world where Rue Bennett would see her for the moonstruck and equally damaged girl who loved her. A dream scene that played constantly on a loop in her mind up until Jules Vaughn had come into town. Then she cringingly imagined how Rue would take notice of her toxic and co-dependent relationship with the new girl and choose someone better suited for her. Surprisingly it was never herself. Because realistically, even Lexi had to admit she was no better for Rue, then Jules was.

She had her own demons that crept up on her from time to time. Besides being unfit to love Rue, even if she was a whole, happy and good person, she was too cowardly to ever admit her feelings to her curly haired hoody wearing friend anyways.

Her most altruistic wish for for Rue was that she’d stop punishing herself with the poison she’d pump into her body. She’d found herself rooting for Rue’s relationship with Jules for the simple fact that she had her friend back and healthy. It was extremely hypocritical of her, she can admit. Because Lexi Howard was many things. She was a liar, dreamer, coward, and unbeknownst to anyone close to her, she was an alcoholic.

Same shit, different poison...

Rolling over in bed, Lexi shuts her mind off before hitting the snooze on her alarm. It’s Sunday morning, and if the headache is anything to go by she instantly regrets signing up for the morning shift at the hospital.

Peering through the sheer curtain separating her sister and her room, she can make out the sleeping form of her sister. She can’t remember when Cassie had come home, but faintly remembers hearing her sniffling quietly on the other side. She’d pretended not to hear her, sister of the year-she is not.

In honesty it’s not that she doesn’t care. She just feels guilty for snapping at her sister the day before when she asked Lexi if she’d looked any different. For whatever reason, be it the half filled tequila water bottle under her bed, Cassie’s constant insecurity with her own beauty, or perhaps the three ignored texts she’d sent Rue after their Halloween shenanigans and detective bonding, she’d just snapped.

She hadn’t really had a problem before, she doesn’t really think she has one now. She’s just sick of feeling bad, and sometimes a shot of liquor eases and ebbs away at that miserableness, into a fuck it attitude she wishes she could carry all the time. It had started the night of MKays party.

Lexi had been feeling burnt by Rue’s unexpected arrival back into her life without so much as a hello. She’d decided she’d show up and join in on whatever good time her old friend was having, which she knew was super enabling-but then again so was giving her urine. She was sick of being a stick in the mud, as her mom liked to call her.

So for a little liquid courage she swiped some of her mom’s Absinthe and took a few swigs. Before she even realized it, she was pretty fucked up. In fact, she never made it to the party, but instead found herself outside Rue’s window around the time the party would have broken up. She tapped a few times clumsily on the window and waited in the cold, her belly was radiating warmth though so she couldn’t really feel it.

The window slid open, and drunkenly Lexi looked up to see the younger Bennett in Rue’s room. Somewhat confused she looked around to make sure she hadn’t gotten the wrong window-nope this was the right one.

“Rue’s not here Lex, she said she was going to your house earlier-which I’m guessing was a lie?” Gia asked with somewhat red tinted eyes.

If Lexi was truly a detective, she’d have made the educated guess that Gia was smoking her sister’s weed. The thought had her giggling, to which Gia gave her a weird look. But here they were, two people that cared about the girl who wasn’t currently occupying her room.

Usually Lexi would be hurt and embarrassed, that she was Rue’s convenient scape goat all the while somewhere she laid her head in someone else’s bed. But in all honestly at that precise moment in time, Lexi Howard gave no fucks. Thankfully Gia had helped her in and she slept off her drunkenness in Rue’s comforter. She got up before dawn and she’d left super hungover the next day.

From then on she’d taken a new approach to unwanted feelings and the jealousy. None of which she could really blame on anyone but herself. But it wasn’t like she had an issue. She’s never had to have her stomach pumped and hell if she ever showed her hand like her mother. She wasn’t sloppy, she was well functioning, and so in her mind she was solid.

Ignoring all her swirling thoughts, she slowly begins to put on her striped uniform and throw her hair up in a ponytail. She brushes the cotton mouth off her tongue and uses a shit ton of mouth wash in hopes of canceling out the smell she feels is coming out of her pores. When she’s satisfied she runs downstairs grabs some coffee with a dash of hair from the dog, and tells her mom she’s ready to leave.

Her and her mother make small talk on the trip, mainly about the weather, Cassie, and what time she’d pick her up. They didn’t have the closest relationship, Lexi sometimes had no idea what to talk to her mother about and found herself wondering if her mom struggled in the same way. It didn’t bug her necessarily, she didn’t feel the need to fill the quiet with unnecessary conversation. Sometimes it was nice to just be and not have to try so hard to find common ground.

Once in the break room, she stashes her backpack and canteen of liquor in her locker then she’s off to complete her morning duties, coffee in hand. She’d started volunteering at Middlen Methodist Hospital earlier that year. At the time it had sounded like something colleges would appreciate on her record, but her indecision regarding her future plans had her questioning why she kept coming back. It wasn’t so bad though, got her out of the house and time flew when she brought her little canteen either way.

As she gets to the main nurses station she smiles widely at the Unit Clerk that’s been giving her googly eyes since she’d started volunteering there. She think he goes to St. Thomas, but she’s not too sure since she’s never cared enough to ask. It’s too late to ask now anyhow considering they’ve hung out a few times. He’s cute enough, one might say tall, dark, and handsome. Hell, her mom would even try and jump this guy’s bones if she could, she thinks amusedly as she says hi.

He starts making conversation as she prints out the day’s task lists. She nods and pretends to listen him talk about this patient or that patient. She looks at him from the corner of her eye, and imagines for a second what would happen if she’d take him up on his many offers to take her out. She can’t picture it.

Or she can, but he’s not the leading suitor. She still sees big melancholy brown eyes staring back at her. Damn her stupid heart, she thinks as she takes another swing of coffee. She faintly hears him say something about some weird chick (who even says chick?) roaming through the halls but continues to do her thing, before dismissing herself.

It’s a little after 8:45 in the morning so she starts with simple chores, like lining trash bins and divvying out clean towels to patients able to shower. She has one more hallway to accomplish and begins to feel the wobbly sign that’s she’s definitely buzzing.

Her feet feel slightly less coordinated and as she licks her lips she knows she’d be slurring slightly if she were to speak. Quickly she pops a minty piece of gum into her mouth, lest anyone smelled her breath, and makes her way to the clean utility room.

She must stack a good 15 towels, probably not the smartest idea because she literally cannot see where she’s going, but she doesn’t really care if a few fall. She goes to exit the closet/room, takes one step, and is hit so hard her head spins before she blacks out.

Lexi’s not sure how long she’s out, but she feels as though her dreams are running in slow motion. She blinks her eyes open, and there she is. Again. Sad eyes, furrowed brow in confusion, and pouty lips.

She’s squinting at her dream girl for the millionth time, although this time feels different. She goes to talk, and oddly her dream words are sloppy like she’s got excessive saliva-so gross.

“Why can’t I stop thinking about you”? She questions aloud, smacking a hand over her mouth to stop her word vomit. Suddenly she feels a wave of nausea, uncovers her mouth to hold her stomach and before she can stop herself-she actuallly vomits all over her red converse.

Fuck those were new.


	2. The One with the Clueless Detective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rue’s confusion ensues...

_Rue_

The next few moments are somewhat jumbled in Rue’s mind, or maybe foggy she should say-yeah that’s more accurate. The moment when they collided seemed to happen in slow motion and shed like to blame that on why her mind was running and processing their situation at a sluggish pace. While she’s somewhat stuck, she recognizes her nurse and a male aid rush over to help them out.

The guy, who looks to be about their age calls out to Lexi as he tries to prop her up. Except, he calls her Alexis for some reason, which she finds kind of odd considering no one called Lex that since her dad. Then again, as she looks over her friend’s unconscious figure and notices her red and white get-up, she comes to the conclusion that Lexi must work here or something. Maybe they’re friends.

She’s struck with guilt as she realizes she hasn’t spoken to her since class a few days ago. And it’s almost ridiculous how long it takes her to come to the realization that she truly doesn’t know much about her friend’s life. She’s definitely a shitty friend.

Especially since the last two times they’d hung out, Lexi had been her right hand. She’d listened to Rue cry about being a burden and hugged away her doubts. Then not a day later, she helped her investigate what was going on with Nate Jacobs, even though Rue got the impression Jules wasn’t Howard’s favorite person. And even though the situation had been due to her mania, Lexi had tagged along and even made the whole bizarro film noir investigation fun for a bit. Yep, Rue was gonna have to step up her friendship game.

As the aid helps a grumbling Lexi into a standing position, her head still downcast and eyes closed, Rue finally snaps into gear. Jumping up, she feels kind of lightheaded. That’s probably from smashing into Lexi, or even possibly the fact that she keeps forgetting to breath. Anxiety is a bitch.

Anyways, it’s at that moment when she’s trying to focus on breathing and waiting anxiously for Lexi to open her eyes, that her eyes dart to the hand helping support her friend’s limp-noodled body. The aide has his arm wrapped around Lex’s waist and he begins crooning her name softly. She begins to feel uncomfortable with the display. In fact, it’s making Rue feel downright nauseous.

She’s not a big fan on PDA, and technically-this isn’t even close-but still it’s weird seeing some random dude whispering her friend’s name like it’s been on his lips before. She chumps it up to the fact that Lexi is an unwilling participant in this situation, or she would be if she was awake. She must cringe because her chin stings from the expression she makes, reminding her of the raw skin from where she crash landed on the hard hospital floor.

All of the sudden, Lexi lets out a gargled groan as she opens up her eyes, causing her to look up. She’s confused by the look on Lexi’s face and the way her eyes seem to squint at her, all glassy and almost not seeing. Stepping closer, Rue tries to gauge her expression, she looks almost unpleased to see her. She hadn’t meant to hurt her, she pouts a bit, feeling nervous all of the sudden.

Lexi tilts her head to the side like a puppy and in a raspy voice she mutters, “Why can’t I stop thinking about you?”

She’s taken aback by the intensity of Lex’s question and the way she’s gazing at her, she almost forgets there are people around them. The guy, whose name tag she makes out to be Caleb, peers curiously between the two of them, as Lexi continues staring. The attention is uncomfortable and she fidgets in place as she tries to deduce if her friend has suffered some form of brain damage.

Then just as quickly as she’d opened her eyes and muttered at her, Lexi hurls all over her own shoes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that Rue’s recollection of the following events get a bit hazy. Firstly, she doesn’t handle vomit well. So when her best friend blew chunks, it was all she could manage to stop herself from gagging herself. She remembered calming herself before trying to assess how Lex was doing.

Caleb had begun trying to usher her to the nearby restroom, so Rue came up to her other side, before telling him she could take it from here. He looked like he wanted to argue seeing as she herself was in a hospital gown, but thought better of it when he saw her serious expression.

Her nurse mentioned finding some hospital socks for Lex while handing Rue one of the thrown towels. It took a bit of finagling but they managed to get her friend situated. She steps back from her pukey friend and places her hands her hips somewhat proud at being helpful.

Now, it’s only once she’s locked in the bathroom and helped her friend sit on the toilet seat, that Rue realizes Lexi is a tad bit inebriated. It took her a minute to recognize the light undertones of alcohol and the sight of glassy bloodshot eyes-but she blames it on the puking debacle. Mainly, she’s just confused as to why Lexi, who’s always been a straight laced type of person, would be drinking so early-or even at all.

She’d once told Rue she couldn’t stand the taste of beer when they’d tried it in the 6th grade. Then again Rue wasn’t exactly a drug addict back then, so maybe things had definitely changed. She asks her as much once she’s done cleaning all the (gag) chunky alcohol off her feet.

“Lex, what happened? What are you even doing here?” She questions worriedly.

Lexi slowly gazes at Rue and gives her a soft smile, before poking her between her eyebrows.

“Quit pouting.“ Lexi gestures to rues checkered attire, “Besides, shouldn’t I should be asking you those same questions, are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah I’m good.”

Having the questioning flipped on her, Rue had almost forgotten what had brought her to the hospital. It had been awhile since she’d had a manic episode, most likely due to her always being high in lieu of depressed. Lexi herself had experienced many of her highs and lows before, she most likely noticed Rue’s symptoms before she did. And yet, it’s still hard to get the words out. Saying them aloud admits defeat.

Lexi suddenly frowns, her eyes are downcast as if she’s inspecting her hands. And she looks so unbearably sad it cracks through Rue’s heart, “You never texted me back.”

Well damn, Lex. Kick a girl when she’s down.

Rubbing at the uncomfortable heat that rushed to the back of her neck, the taller girl clears her throat.

“I, uh-“ she begins but her throat seems to constrict around the words.

Lexi’s eyes shoot up to hers at her mumbled start, and she has to grit her teeth before spewing her explanation as fast as she can.

“I had the Rues Blues, and was too sad to pee, so instead of going to the bathroom I watched a ridiculous amount of Love Island, so I got a kidney infection-that hurts like hell, and mom confiscated my phone before telling off some guy in the waiting room-which was kind of funny-but she said it made me more sad, and I’m so sorry I almost killed you and that I’m such a shit friend but why-“

Lexi quickly reaches up and smacks a hand over her mouth, her eyes are closed like she’s trying to replay Rue’ words in her mind and focus on her explanation. When she lets go of her, she gives her friend a truly stern look, as if she’s about to tell her off and say she’s finally done it. Rue has finally lost one of the only good people in her life. She almost passes out when she forgets to breathe again.

Lex shakes her head, arms crossed, before glaring at her, “Rue-Rue, I told you that show was where brain cells go to die. You swore you’d stop watching it after last time. Why can’t you binge shows on Netflix like everyone else. It literally kills me. I’ve recommended so many good shows for you to watch!”

The hell?

She can feel her eyebrows arch of their own volition, because Rue is completely stumped. But when she looks closer at her friend’s stern expression, she notices the slight smirk at the corner of her friend’s lips, and she feels settled. Lexi doesn’t make her feel like her episodes of mania are anything other than normal, which she guesses, they are for someone like her. It’s something that will forever be a part of her life, its part of the package.

She liked seeing this lighthearted attitude in her usually serious best friend, so she assumes one of the detective duo personas they’ve mastered and plays along.

“Listen Howard, how else will I get into the mind of sociopath if I don’t understand their craft. Love Island can only be the workings of a psychopath intent on psychological torture. Who knows how deep this goes? It could go all the way to the top. It’s extremely important research.”

She makes the erratic gestures, her right hand holding an invisible cigarette, and to be honest she feels slightly goofy given that she’s still in a hospital gown and not completely in character. She doesn’t really care to be honest though, because Lexi starts cracking up-like ugly laugh dying, grabbing her sides.

She feels a stupid amount of pride bringing out her ugly laugh, like it’s an accomplish. She realizes after Lex’s laughter dies down, that shes staring at her, so she quickly shrugs and puts her hands in her hoodie pockets.

She slides into her best big sister face-not that she really sees her as a sister, like of course, she’s as close as family but-

“So what’s going on?,” she raises her own voice cutting off that particular train of thought. Lexi raises her eyebrows in response. “ I mean, like, I know...you don’t have the flu. Are you good?” She drawls out the last question.

Lexi stands, give her a smile that for some reason Rue can only described as not reaching her eyes. She waves her hand, an ‘it’s nothing’ type of gesture before turning to face the mirror hanging over the porcelain white sink.

“I’m honestly okay, I met up with a few friends after my shift last night. Let’s just say Four Loko does not agree with me and I woke up still tipsy.”

It’s weird. She knows it’s weird that she can tell her friend’s smiles and what they mean. She doesn’t give that much forethought though, because she’s trying to place the, barely there, smile and if she’s seen it before.

“Oh, uh, that sounds fun. Who all did you hang out with? Cassie and the gang, or..?”

She doesn’t know why she asks the open ended question. Maybe it’s because she hadn’t even known Lexi worked at the hospital and felt a little out of the loop, her fault. Maybe it’s because she’d never really known her childhood friend to be hungover before, usually because she was the messed up one, definitely her fault.

And possibly it’s because she feels a little possessive of her best friend having other best friends, which is definitely crazy because she has a Jules. Sort of. She’s not sure if that particular situation is her fault-but she digresses.

This time Rue receives a genuine smile she’s familiar with through the mirror’s reflection.

“Just BB and Caleb, don’t worry Bennett, you’re still my partner,” that last part was accompanied by a wink.

And damn her emotions, but she immediately blushes and gets flustered.

She finds out from Lexi, that Caleb is BB’s cousin-which is bizarre because she’s never heard of the guy before. Then again it’s not like she has any non-superficial conversations with the hooped earring girl. Still the random factoid combined with Lex’s late night festivities scratch at her mind in an odd way.

She asks Rue to grab her phone from her pocket and text Cassie to pick her up while she washes her face and gargles away the taste of chunks.

The buzzing of Lex’s phone, lets her know Cassie will be by in like 30 minutes. She’s gonna let her know, but she looks up to see Lexi peering at herself in the mirror almost lost in thought or as if she’s reminiscing over a memory.

“Do you ever wonder about the possibilities of what could have been? Like if you could go back and change would you do it?”

The question is so broad and random, Rue has to collect her thoughts.

“Sure, but I don’t think I would change a thing” she says ruefully, “because I am who I am today, because of my struggles. And I may not have made the same connections with the people I have, if I hadn’t gone through them.”

It’s an honest answer. What she doesn’t mention is that while she wouldn’t change things- that didn’t mean she didn’t wish things could have been different.

On one end, sure she could wish she was a better sister and friend in the past, she’d imagine her life if she’d never gotten addicted to drugs, there were endless possibilities. But where did wishing get you?

Lexi seems to contemplate her response, as if she doesn’t like her answer, or is confused by it.

This next moment she blames on stupidity. She’d been idling with her friend’s phone swapping it from hand to hand. And maybe she blames her desire to unwind Lex’s current expression and her thoughts. She doesn’t know why she does it really, but she find herself raising Lexi’s phone and snapping a picture of her reflection. She doesn’t count on the flash, or her friend snapping out of whatever reverie she was experiencing.

Lexi turns around, face serious, emotions drawn and looks as if she about to say something, when a knock on the bathroom door startles them both.

“Alexis, are you guys okay in there?,” the muffled voice of the nurse aid calls through the door. Caleb Whats-his-face.

Lexi grabs her phone from Rue and moves to open the door quickly almost like she’s trying to escape their close proximity. Or maybe it’s because she wants to reassure her friend that’s she’s feeling slightly better. Rue truly doesn’t know. She used to be a lot better at reading her shorter friend but she’s trying to remember when that changed. At this point Rue feels nothing but clueless.

She stops trying to read Lex because of the next super awkward moments. Maybe it was the intimate moment shared between two friends, but she can’t help but feel like she’s been caught red-handed, when the door swings open and the nurses plus Caleb peer in at them. Plus her supposed best friend makes a beeline for the exit like she’s claustrophobic all of the sudden.

She follows after her into the hallway, as she begins slipping on hospital socks the nurse gave her. Lexi lets her coworkers know she’s not feeling great and plans to head home. Rue awkwardly stands behind, waiting to see if she wants to visit her family before her sister shows up. She really can’t tell where she stands, not like literally, but in this moment. She feels like an outsider, which isn’t uncommon for her but definitely a rare occurrence in Lexi’s presence. So she settles on being the quiet observer for the moment.

She sees Caleb step into Lex’s personal space as he rests the back of his hand on her forehead before asking if she needs a ride. It’s like, super weird. She watches her best friend’s face closely to see her reaction. She can’t tell if Lexi is surprised or flustered, because she gapes like a fish, glances at rue from the corner of eye, quickly mentions her sister is on her way, before blushing and stepping away.

Rue takes a step closer to the pair eyeing them both, hoping she’s not acting awkward, and unsure if she should blurt something out to fill the silence. She notices her friend begins rubbing her forearms, and without thinking too hard, Rue takes off her favorite maroon hoodie and with one hand out thrusts it out to Lexi, who looks shocked for whatever reason.

Once she slips her arms through Rue’s jacket she smiles and whispers a quiet thank you. She just shrugs in response not trying to make it a thing, but secretly glad the ice of their weird interaction was now broken. Lexi seems to catch on that she’s feeling out of sorts, because she excuses them and tells Caleb she’ll catch him later.

At work or not, Rue has no idea, but the interaction definitely doesn’t keep replaying in the back of her mind on loop for the remainder of their walk to her hospital room. Nope.

Her mom and Gia are awake by the time they stroll back into the room. If she’s not mistaken her mom looks slightly perturbed with her hands on her waist, but maybe she’s imagining that because she seems to lighten up with a smile when she sees Lexi trailing behind her.

“Hey honey. I was wondering what Rue had gotten up to. Gia mentioned you volunteer at a hospital.”

Rue sidesteps the group and sees that her sweet mother went out and got other flavors of Jello. Man, does she love her mom.

Gia gets up from the chair and hugs Lexi, “I was just about to tell mom how we might run into you here. Is that cute guy that asked you out working today too?”

The question stops Rue mid bite as she has spoonfuls of jello shoved into her mouth. She’d gotten hungry while her family fawned over her best friend, sue her. She feels her mom, whose now sitting in one of the hospital chairs, peek at her over her magazine before turning her attention to Lex.

She doesn’t swallow the lump of cherry flavored goodness, she’s too focused on her friend’s answer. She continues to chew, ear hustling for a response, but focuses her gaze on whatever bullshit program is on the television. Her mom’s attention unnerved her and she didn’t want to give her family any crazy ideas.

Lexi places her hands in Rue’s hoodie pockets, twirling a bit from the uncomfortable situation, or so Rue thinks. She does, after all, have all three Bennett girls waiting for her response. Then of course Gia’s big mouth has to keep talking. Like, for real Gia? Wass she trying to give Rue a heart attack, because she’s not far off.

“Hey, is that Rue’s hoodie?”

She mentally slaps a hand over her eyes as she watches the scene unfold. The one thing her little sister decides to point out. Did she not even notice Lexi was sans shoes? Nope she had to bring up the one thing that would cause her face to turn a deep shade of red.

But thank god for Lexi, because she stutters out, “Yu-uh, I mean-Yeah, he’s working down the hall today.” Doesn’t address the hoodie at all, smooth Howard.

Luckily Lexi immediately begins to change the subject by bringing up Gia’s whatever with one of the McKay twins. They giggle and whisper and Rue decides to tune out that conversation completely. She turns to see her mom, smiling right at her, like a knowing smile that sort of freaks her out if she’s being honest. One of those mom’s know best one’s that children try and ignore.

Letting her friend and sister catch up, she walks over to her bed and sits on the edge closest to her mother. Even though this smile of hers unnerves her, Rue has to admit it’s nice to see her mom not carrying that same worried expression she had been the day before. It alleviates some of her guilt about being a fuck up just for a moment.

The four of them chat and crack jokes for a bit, until Lexi gets a call from her sister to meet her at the main entrance of the Hospital. She stands up to say goodbye, completely conscious of her family a few feet away. She gives Lex a closed mouth polite smile she might give a stranger, reaches with her right arm to give her a side hug as she in turn does the opposite and goes in for a real hug.

It’s weird, but what makes it worse is Rue had to make it ten times more uncomfortable by doing that shoulder pat one might give to a distant relative whose breath smelled. They immediately break apart and mutter comments about seeing each other soon blah, blah, blah, until she’s left with just her thoughts as Lexi walks out the room. Well, her thoughts and her extremely quiet family, who witnessed the whole debacle.

She decides to go with ignorance and purposeful obliviousness as she crosses the room, past her family, picks up her mom’s forgotten magazine, and props her feet on the hospital bed. She needed to gather her thoughts without them being overly nosy. With a family of three and all girls, it could be hard to have an ounce of a private life.

Her own anxiety aside, she felt pretty calm. She was a tad bit relieved her best friend was gone, but that may have just been her shyness around her family and inability to act normal around them. She’d truly enjoyed the short and spontaneous hang out, laughed a bit at how it had began.

Her mom and Gia, packed up some of their stuff after she told them she wouldn’t feel bad if they went home. They did after all look a bit haggard from sleeping on the recliners. With promises to see her that night and kisses to her forehead, Rue was once agin left to her on thoughts in peace. In all honesty, she truly enjoyed her solitude sometimes. It gave her time to think. Which isn’t such a bad thing right now, she’s feeling somewhat confused by her mixed emotions and odd behavior earlier with Lex.

What had started as a distraction had begun to take up most of her thoughts. Looking at the clock she is surprised by how much time passes before she realizes she hadn’t once thought about Jules. She’d spent so much time and most of her energy the last few weeks completely focused on the bright blonde girl, but perhaps the distraction had worked after all.

Before leaving she’d asked her mom if she could have her phone back in case Lexi wanted to talk on the phone. Which technically was not a lie, she did think of calling her friend later to check on her hangover. Plus it was like the only way her mom would return it to her considering she loved Lex so damn much.

Glancing at the phone between her slender fingers she rotated it a few times before taking a deep anxiety ridden breath and turning it on. She must be a masochist or a glutton for punishment but she figured now was a good a time as any to throw herself into what was sure to be a painful headache.

_Jules: you have no idea how much I missed you_

Well shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y’all! Sorry it took me a while to update. I find Rue’s POV a bit harder to write then Lexi’s. That being said I think from now on it will switch up between the two. Also as a side note these next few chapters take place the weekend after Rue’s episode. I know timeline in the show tended to jump back and forth but for the most part it will be linear from here with one or two character flashbacks. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or need clarification on setting.
> 
> Next on The Broken Road: Lexi’s POV


	3. Two Truths and a Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost a year since I've updated this pic, and for that I apologize. This chapter is a continuation of the first two, a little less upbeat than I felt the beginning chapters were but it allowed me to delve a little deeper into Lexi's character and backstory, as well as her conflicting emotions about her friendship with Rue. Hopefully some of you are still reading this story, my writers block is over so I'm hoping to continue with this story soon.

_November 6th, 2019_

_Lexie_

_…_

Looking out the passenger window, the familiar passing neighborhoods blur, doing little to provide the calming effect she was so accustomed to. There’s a secret to small towns people don’t tell you about. An unbidden truth hiding in each and every occupant’s eyes for all to see.

Living in a town like Middleton, you get to know your neighbors and you grow up with the same kids you went to preschool with. It’s this familiarity that lulls every one of its’ town dwellers into a false sense of safety and security.

This unintentional safety net of the suburbs is the cause of this deep-rooted truth within all of its’ members. For, although many of the town’s youth yearn to strike out on their own and leave this small narrow town in their rear-view mirror, the truth is that they all secretly enjoy living here.

In this quintessential truth, that Lexi Howard realizes she no longer knows what she’s doing with her life. Granted, she’s still in high school and quite a bit of time to plan- the real problem is that she no longer knows if she wants to leave her quaint town.

She’d be disappointed in herself if she wasn’t at such a peculiar point in her life.

She gently shakes her head of such serious thoughts and continues to stare out the passenger side of her sister’s car, resting her aching forehead against the cool window. She definitely needed to eat something, even if the thought revolts her.

The sky is overcast, the wind picking up to carry the multicolored leaves across the windshield of their car. Dark clouds litter the sky, foreshadowing what she knows will be a solemn day. This weather was usually uplifting to her.

She usually felt most alive with the anticipation of an incoming storm would assault her senses. The sting of the crisp autumn air nipping at her nose turning her pale skin rosy. Inhaling the smell of freshly baked pie and burning leaves. It reminded her of pumpkin patches, late night adventures, and scary stories told in the dead of night. But that was a different time, a different girl.

The last few hours of this early November day had been bizarre to say the least. She definitely did not expect to run into the curly haired object of her affection without warning. But if there was one thing Rue Bennet knew how to do, it was keep Lexi Howard on her feet.

She straightens in her seat, shrugging her left shoulder where she can feel a slight tightening. No doubt from the impact with which her thin friend had catapulted into her. As lousy as she feels she stop the small smile that sneaks its way onto her face.

Leave it to Rue. Just that small random interaction and already she felt lighter than she had in days, more grounded she supposed. She tries to remind herself she shouldn’t be relieved her old friend had been in the bouts of a manic episode rather than just plain out ignoring her. It doesn’t work though. She has long since accepted she tended to be slightly selfish and irrational when it came to her best friend.

Gabbing some water from her bag, she tries to settle her stomach while reminiscing over their weird hospital reunion. Puking in front of her friend and coworkers had not been her finest moment. Honestly, she’d barely had anything to drink. She definitely blames her nausea on Rue knocking the wind out of her.

Rue’s fumbling and oddly endearing expressions of panic somehow brought out a calmness. She peers down at her hands and realizes she’d been twisting her fingers and fidgeting with the sleeves of Rue’s sweatshirt. Quickly, she sneaks a glance at Cassie as she stuffs her hands in the front pockets of the maroon hoodie.

“_Yeah, well you look beautiful Cassie. You look fucking amazing. It’s literally all anyone’s ever told you, your entire life. Like, listen to yourself, its fucking exhausting!”_

The words echo around in the brunette’s mind taunting her. They haven’t spoken to one another since Cassie picked her up. She could feel her sister’s inquisitive gaze every so often, burning to ask her what happened and how she ended up being shoeless. She held strong though, the elder Howard was nothing if not stubborn. Either way, Lexi knows she’ll be the one to crack first, she did after all snap at her sister.

Turning to her left, she really looks at her. Cass faces forward hands tensely gripping the steering wheel. She’s dressed in some dark grey leggings and a baby blue sweatshirt, hair up in a messy bun and face clear of any makeup. It’s somewhat startling to see, but what catches Lexi’s eye the most is the puffy eyes of her older sister.

They don’t usually do the whole talking thing. Not like you see in the Lifetime movies with the heart-to-hearts and all the tears. No, the Howard sisters have their own form of communication, more of silent presence if you will. They don’t generally argue.

In fact, if you had asked Lexie a few months ago, she’d have told you that her sister was her best friend and closest confidant, by choice. But lately they had been out of sync. She takes responsibility for her part in this new rift between them. It’s like they can sense when one of them is holding back something from the other. It’s a two-way street though.

They don’t ever apologize, either. She realizes that may sound unhealthy or weird but to her it’s the exact opposite. They love each other and have a deeper understanding, that no matter small arguments or petty grievances they have, they’ll always be there for one another.

They’ll take a break from one another- as much as they can when sharing a room. Then one of them will break the divide by bringing up something they’d been itching to tell the other. Usually it ends up being the one that instigated the argument.

Sighing Lexie realizes that she was the one that erupted, displacing her anger at herself towards the blonde girl, thus making it her turn to break the silence. Right before she’s about to speak, Cassie is quickly turning onto their street and pulling over.

“So, I know we’re not talking, or whatever. But I’m calling a truce,” she blurts out rolling her window down and turning her body towards Lexi.

All she can do is stare for a minute as her sister pulls her purse into her lap and begins searching for something_._

Cassie stops, peers at her oddly and her raises her eyebrows in question.

Lexie mumbles, “Uh, yeah I can get behind that. What’s going on?”

Pulling out her pack of emergency menthol cigarettes, she shakes one lose before slipping it in between her lips. Cassie grabs her lighter and shields the cigarette as she lights it with her left hand. She inhales deeply, before breathing out the smoke into the chilly air. She’s completely still for a moment, and the silence makes Lexi uncomfortable not knowing what she should say, or if she should say something at all. Her sister’s nerves seem to calm though, as she tosses the cigarette out the window, rolls it up and proceeds to apply sanitizer to her hands.

She usually got a kick out of this odd stress relieving routine her sister completes, never really understanding the concept of one puff. Like, taking a sip of a drink just to toss the rest. Didn’t really make sense.

Cass worries her lower lip between her teeth and taking a deep breath. “I invited the girls over for a thing at the house later. I need some advice and it would be great if you could just, like, be in my corner, or whatever.”

Lexi nods her head carefully, things may have been weird between them-but she’d never seen her sister this adamant about something.

Seeming to break out of her reverie, her sister gives her small smile before gathering her keys and purse to head towards their house across the street. Lexie follows her lead, gathering her things before exiting and closing her door. Before crossing, Cassie does an about face back to the car, places her chin on both hands with her elbows leaning on the hood of their Honda Civic. She gives her little sister a genuine smile that stretches across her face, making Lexie question whether the random request in the car had actually happened.

“Don’t think this means I’m not going to ask you later about your current get-up Lex,” she laughs lightly motioning at her sweater with her eyes, before turning back towards their house.

_…_

_July 10th, 2019_

_Rolling Tide Treatment Facility_

_It’s terrifying, really. _

_The Melancholy._

_It’s all she sees when she stares into those beautiful dark eyes. They’re not still, but instead darting back and forth apprehensively over her own expression, searching for something._

_Eerily, Lexi realizes this person seated across from her is both familiar and not. Gone was the nervous chatterbox she grew up with and in her place sat a guarded girl with a pensive stare. She’s not sure how much time they’re allowed, or really how much time has passed for that matter. Lexie knows she should probably say something, anything. _

_Heck, she had a whole spiel prepared, had even run through it with her sister for feedback. But just as she sat down and looked into the eyes of her former best friend, all rational thought and planned speeches were forgotten. She couldn’t be anything other than a pile of raw emotions._

_Over the last month, she’d gone over everything leading up to that fateful day. Searching for clues, or hints. For some sort of sign that something had been amiss with the older Bennett. She’d analyzed and processed. Talked through her feelings of guilt and shame, her enabling._

_Overall, Lexi Howard had accepted her role in her best friend’s death._

_Rue Bennet died June 28th, 2019, at approximately 4:26 p.m._

_The EMT’s en route to the hospital reported back to Mrs. Bennett that six minutes later, at approximately 4:32 p.m., her daughters heart began beating once more._

_Breathing deeply at the memory, Lexie forcibly exhales._

_Six minutes. _

_There was six minutes in which Rue did not exist on this planet._

_The concept devastated her. _

_Her throat tightens, but she forces herself to relax. She doesn’t want to cause a scene in front of the other girl, especially when they weren’t exactly alone._

_Dragging her eyes from her hooded friend, she glances at their shadow to the left, sitting in a chair in the corner. _

_It would be a tad bizarre if Lexi wasn’t familiar with the rules set by this particular institution. All she feels is relieved that they take their policies seriously, otherwise what good would Rehab be?_

_Lexie didn’t talk about her dad. Like, at all or to anyone, not even Cass. They had been through many similar situations involving his addiction, sat in so many similar settings as this. To this day it’s a sore subject best left untouched between the two. If there was one positive outcome that came from her father’s unpleasant disease, it was giving Lexi firsthand knowledge in loving someone with this sickness. _

_She knows that’s fucked up. But it had led to her clutching the house phone in her hands, a few days after Rue’s overdose. Twirling the cord round and round, walking back and forth as far as the connection would let her she called the Bennett’s House. No one but Gia knew that she had recommended Rolling Tide Treatment Center to the family._

_Though her dad continued to use, this institution had been one of the most effective. He had even managed to stay clean for almost a year after leaving through those double paneled doors, his longest stint. She hoped for Rue, and for herself that this would be different._

_She’s startled from zoning out by the other girl._

_“I’m sorry,” the words are whispered brokenly but deafening all the same._

_Looking up, she sees Rue. Her Rue…_

_Her eyes are downcast and she looks embarrassed, by the words or the crack in her own voice, Lexi isn’t sure._

_But all Lexi knows in that moment is just how much she loves her._

_It’s completely screwed and unequivocally mental. _

_It’s terrifying, really. _

_But she does…_

_She’s struck by a memory then. _

_A conversation she’d had with her father when she was 10 years old. It had been one of the few times she’d had him all to herself, before her parents’ divorce, her father’s accident and subsequent relationship to drugs. She remembers asking her dad why he stayed with their mother through all the drinking and embarrassing outbursts._

_He furrowed his brow looking down at her, taking his time to form an answer._

_“I love her.” He’d said it so clear and definite, without question. “Love isn’t convenient, Alexis. It’s messy and sometimes unkind, but ultimately it can be one of the greatest things you’ll ever experience. In the good times there will be bad times. But, in the bad times there will also be good.”_

_She’d nodded at him, accepting his response at the time as fact. _

_And as she got older she’d come to her own conclusion, that her father was wrong. Perhaps not even her dad had known it at the time. Maybe if he’d known then, just how love would rip apart their family, his answer would have been different. A cautionary tale._

_She doesn’t understand why anyone would willingly endure heartache just for love._

_Or at least she didn’t._

_Until she sees Rue in that plastic blue chair of the Visitor’s Center._

_It’s startling to know that the love she has for her old friend is deeper than normal. Her own actions and reactions towards her curly haired friend in the past seem to fall into place at the realization, like a finished puzzle._

_Her friend is still eyeing her worriedly, the left-side of her bottom lip being gnawed anxiously between her teeth. She stops when she sees that Lexi is finally going to forgive her or respond or something._

_But she doesn’t forgive her._

_She just looks at her gently across the table and places a comforting hand on her friend’s wrist and says, “In the good times there will be bad times. But, in the bad times, there will also be good. I love you, Rue.”_

_The other girl takes her words in and smiles back, the stranger in her eyes no longer there._

_They giggle about nothing and everything until their time is up. _

_And in the backseat of the Bennett’s car on the drive home, Lexi Howard knows that her friend was oblivious to her confession, and maybe that’s okay._

_She wipes a tear from the corner of her eye, determined for her friend to return home healthy and whole, even if she’ll never know the truth._

…

_November 6th, 2019_

…

The memory is vivid and idly she thinks she might still be crying, but then she remembers that was months ago.

Her eyes are closed but she can feel the beginnings of a drizzle, she assumes. Opening her eyes, Lexi surveys her surroundings to confirm that she’s not imagining it. Tilting her head to the side she realizes she’s sticking out halfway through the jungle-gym tube.

_What time is it? Where the heck is my phone?_

She’d met up with B.B. at the local park not long after getting home. They’d planned to kick back until their meet-up with the other girls but time must have gotten away from them.

Crawling out, her gaze falls on the girl laying upside down on the slide. She straightens slowly, running her hands over her jean pockets and the front pockets of Rue’s sweatshirt, only coming upon her flask. No cell phone…

The light precipitation turns to a heavy sprinkle, as she walks toward her friend.

Squinting her eyes from the moisture, she sees B.B. passed out with her mouth wide open catching the rain. The blunt she had been smoking, still resting between her fingers stamped out, probably saving it for later.

She hears a buzzing coming from the comatose girl and pokes her cheek to rouse her.

“Beebs, do you have my phone?” She looks at the sky trying to determine how long they’d been drinking and goofing off. If she was late she’d really feel like shit.

The thick eye-lined girl cracks an eye open before groaning, “Damn, girl. I swear you always be losing your phone.”

She pulls up her annoyed friend helping her stumble off the slide.

The buzzing becomes more prominent, both her and B.B. looking at each other in confusion.

“Ahh, shit haha, you know what? My bad, I have your phone. That’s right.” The other girl nods to herself and smirks before pulling Lexie’s phone out of her bra.

“Do I even want to know-” she begins somewhat grossed out.

“Prolly not.”

Looking at the time she sees they have 30 minutes before they need to be at the house. Cool.

Unlocking the iphone, she sees a few missed notifications. A separate text, from both Maddy and Kat, asking who all was going to be at the house. Rolling her eyes she wonders if they don’t realize how obvious the two friends are. Their head butting was making their small group less and less fun to be around.

Her and B.B. begin the trek back to her car as she goes through her messages.

One text from Cass, probably trying to figure out where she disappeared to.

A few others from coworkers, checking in on how she was feeling.

A missed call from Caleb?

“Beebs,” looking over to her as I slip into the passenger side, “your cousin called me. Any idea what he wants?”

“Sure, I’ll bite.” She winks at her, “you mean, besides getting into them uptight pants?”

Narrowing her eyes, “Really? I don’t know-”

“Pshhh…Okuuurt, bitch keep playing dumb” the older girl smacks her lips after rolling her tongue into a Cardi impression. “But, we both know you need some action with a capital A.”

Lexie rolls her eyes, “You’re being fucking rude.”

She’s not actually irritated, she just doesn’t like people in her business. But her friendship with B.B. has been anything but normal. They make an odd duo for sure, and up until this past summer they’d probably shared less than five conversations throughout their lives. What she lacked in tact, she made up for in brutal honesty, something Lexie valued.

Looking down once more, the last notification on her phone surprises her.

_Perfect snuggle weather for a movie marathon =]_

She’d figured Rue would get her phone back eventually. To be honest she’s more surprised at the invitation then anything. Before Halloween and her Manic episode, she knew Rue had tried her best to include her in plans she had with Jules. If she’s being honest, they were some of the best times she’s had this year.

Sure, the skating had been slightly uncomfortable. Not because of jealousy or any other asinine reason, but simply because she hadn’t known the newer girl was tagging along to their reunion. Rue’s excitement had settled that doubt for the most part, that is until Jules got super quiet after she’d tried to thank her for supporting their friend.

She didn’t mean to pressure the blonde but it was clear to everyone, Rue included, when the girl distanced herself. She tries not to think how Halloween and play investigating had been the highlight of her week, or how the only reason they really occurred was because the blonde had taken a step back from her friend. She knows her Rue didn’t intend to make her feel like she was second fiddle. But, when she thinks of it reminds her of carnival night and she feels queasy.

Technically, it was before Rue had apologized for being a shit friend, so she supposes she can’t really be mad. She’d been so excited when Rue nodded her agreement to Gia’s invite to the carnival. Sure, it would have been preferred if her friend had asked but baby steps, right? Up until that point, her best friend had been somewhat hostile towards her, and the more she tried, the more Rue pulled away.

Her, Rue, and Gia had made small talk walking from booth to booth. To be fair, Rue was basically silent lost in her own world, but she listened along. Truthfully, she was not jealous. Okay no, that is a lie. She was jealous, completely. But not for the reasons one might assume.

Yes, Gia’s comment about Jules and her friend threw her for a loop, it definitely hurt. But what really shattered her, was how the despondent girl trailing alongside her, came to life at the sight of the new girl. She then preceded to talk animatedly with Jules, while Lexie was stuck pretending to text on her phone, until both girls walked away, completely forgetting that she had come with Rue.

She knew Gia had noticed, she’d even given her the same sad eyes Rue used to. Like she’s not mad, and she never was, she’s just hesitant to put herself in that position again. She did get some surprisingly good advice from the girl next to her that night.

She had been walking home that night, when B.B. had pulled alongside her and jokingly made lewd comments, pretended to be “looking for directions,” essentially calling her a prostitute. She must have seen the embarrassment on her face, because she invited her over to her place to hang after. Then, after a few shots of Everclear, Lexie had unloaded all of her pent-up emotions and ugly feelings to the ghetto-chic brunette.

“Listen Lil-Howie,” She’d looked her dead in the eyes. “I’m finna keep it real with you.”

Lexie waited for her advice nodding her head, when B.B. just slapped the shit out of her.

“Holy Fuck!” was all she could say clutching her palm to her cheek.

“Knock that shit off!” She was pointing a finger in her face, “You need to quit feeling sorry for your damn self! Crying about how she don’t see you and shit. Like, no bitch. Maybe she can’t fucking see you because you’re too busy skulking away like a dirty secret. You want to be seen? Fucking make her see you.”

She laughs at the memory as they pull up to the driveway, the other cars letting them know they are the last to arrive. Before taking off her seatbelt, she shoots a message to Rue.

_Be there at 6:30 ;P_

B.B. just gives her a discerning look, but doesn’t say anything, “Let’s get this weird ass YA-YA sisterhood meeting out the way, I got shit to do.”

...

_5:52 p.m._

...

Suffice to say the meeting did not go as planned. Like she guessed, Kat and Maddy blew up at each other before angrily taking off. B.B. left after grabbing some food and providing her own advice on the situation, telling her fuck Daniel and fuck McKay she was a boss ass bitch, or something along those lines. As slightly inebriated as she was, Lexie understood that today had nothing to do with the Halloween kiss.

It had to do with the secrets and lies we tell ourselves are better off not spoken aloud.

She could relate.

It’s a rock and a hard place, Cassie’s situation. Although, looking at her asleep again, exhausted from crying, she knows that her sister will come to her when she’s ready. She won’t pry.

Maybe she should lead by example, make herself seen. One less secret at least.

She opens her phone and scrolls to her messages and types a response.

…

_Are you excited for movie night?_, she pauses briefly before typing her latest truth.

_I really miss you, Rue_…

_…_

She biting her nails now, glancing at the clock and realizing she sent that text 10 minutes ago, before she gives up and calls.

“Hello?” She recognizes the voice of Rue’s sister whispering.

“Oh, hey Gia. Is Rue in the bathroom or something? She asked me if I wanted to have a movie night at the hospital.”

The other girl pauses on the line, she can hear a door closing and a sigh from the younger girl. “Hey Lex, sorry.”

She gets that feeling all of the sudden, not sure if it’s Gia’s tone or her sixth sense.

“What’s going on, G?” she’s holding her breath, she can’t help it. She blames Gia for dragging.

“Listen, I don’t know what the situation is, but I figured you should know, in case you showed up at the hospital anyways. I saw your name pop up a few times on Rue’s phone so I picked it up, didn’t want to leave you hanging.”

“Okay?” she says chuckles slightly confused. “So what, is Rue not up for visitors right now? It’s fine if she isn’t, not a big deal.”

She thinks she hears Gia say something about hating that being put in this position, “Listen Lexi, Rue’s my sister and I love her, but she can be a real dick sometimes. You’re my friend too, so I feel like you have the right to know that Jules is visiting right now. I don’t know if Rue just forgot or if y’all had plans but they already started the marathon thing or whatever and fell asleep. I’m pretty sure she’s planning on staying the night.”

Something snaps.

Lexie clears her throat and weakly responds, “No, we didn’t have set plans.”

“Okay, if you say so,” she obviously doesn’t believe her.

“Hey, Gia.” She says quietly, “I know this may be crossing a line- but since we’ve established that in this moment you’re my friend. Can I ask you a huge favor?"

“Sure."

…

Damn Rue.

She pulls the small Gatorade bottle to her lips, easing the tension in her abdomen.

That’s not fair, Rue’s been nothing if not consistent.

After a few swigs, Lexi realizes she’s exhausted.

Damn her, for getting her hopes up, again.

Laying back on her bed, room spinning ever so slightly, Lexie Howard feels the last of her resolve crumble. It’s then that she thinks the thought she never believed she would.

_She’s done with Rue Bennett._


	4. Sisterly Love

_Middleton Hospital_   
_Med/Surgical Unit_   
_November 6th, 2019_   
_11:34 a.m._   
_Rue_

The hue of her phone stares back at her, before she turns it face down on the linen blanket.

She’s been at this for the past hour.

Flipping her phone back and forth, making sure the words aren’t just a figment of her imagination or wishful thinking.

When she had opened Jules’ message, she couldn’t contain the surge of excitement that washed over her. During her episode all she could think of was her colorful friend. She wondered if she had really had the flu the week before, or if she just needed a break from Rue. She knows Jules had been acting different, more distant, and somewhat annoyed with her. She can be a lot to handle, she saw it in her friend’s eyes the night she hesitated about her staying over.

She wouldn’t say she obsessed about the situation, but she knew there had been something else going on with her. It was the reason her and Lexie had put on their suspenders and did a little investigating into Tyler, the catfish. It’s probably the reason she’s not too upset with the other girl’s abrupt departure, the knowledge that Jules was dealing with something serious, even if she couldn’t tell her yet. 

So she’d given her space, even though there must have been a hundred typed and deleted messages she’d almost sent. She had been burning with curiosity, itching to know who she was visiting in the city and what they were doing. When she couldn’t take it anymore she pulled up the search bars of Instagram and then Twitter to type in Jules’ information.   
When she pulled up her profiles it was a tad bit embarrassing for Rue to realize she didn’t know anything about Jules old friends or her old life in the city.

She had been confused to see there was no trace of her new life online, no mentions of their friends, or her at all. She’d slammed the laptop shut, feeling silly for intruding and stalking the girl online, as if that really meant anything. It’s not like Rue herself had any social media. She just needed some insight, didn’t like the way she’d felt this past week, her mania aside, being at odds with her girl-

The thought freezers her fidgeting.

Well shit.  
  
And again she’s back to her regular anxious state, the reprieve had been nice.

She covers her phone with both hands nibbling on the insiders of her cheek.

Jules had come into her life when she needed her most. When she’d returned home from treatment she’d felt nothing but contempt for herself and the decisions she knew she’d eventually make. Just as soon as she’d set her eyes on the hopeful faces of her mom and little sister she knew they’d end up let down. And if there was one thing she couldn’t take it was that look of disappointment carried by those that loved her. 

Leslie…Gia…Lexie.

As soon as she’d seen the girl, riding along on her pink bike with the wind in her colorful hair she felt something shift. Suddenly there was so many possibilities of how her life could go. Especially after they’d hung out the night of McKay’s party. She was no longer apprehensive about returning to school, but excited by her new friend instead. The idea that someone as open, confident, and carefree as Jules would want to spend time with her gave her confidence. Jules didn’t look at her like she was broken, she’d never met the Rue she had been before her father died. 

For the most part, Rue felt comfortable around Jules, or at least as comfortable as she could feel. Then she went and started having those pesky feelings whenever Jules would grab her hand or kiss her cheeks. She realizes she’s a walking cliché but she couldn’t help but be into her new friend, especially since Jules is naturally flirty. There was a moment where she’d thought she’d screwed it up, she supposes randomly kissing someone when they’re not suspecting it would shock anyone. Almost immediately, Rue’s panic had set in. 

It wasn’t the first time she’d kissed a best friend after all. Things always change when you cross that friends-to-more line. The same thing had happened when Lexie got asked to Freshman Formal by Tucker Blake. She had just been so frantic, almost upset by the idea. She’d tried to comfort her friend, unsure why she’d have something against Blake, she supposed he was a decent enough looking guy. When prodded further, Lexi blurted out that she didn’t know how to French kiss before slapping both hands over her mouth in shock.

She’s still not too sure how it happened, one minute they’re laughing and the next their facing each other. She doesn’t know what pushed her to shrug, all nonchalant, before offering to help the brunette girl across from her. Hell, she’d never even been French kissed before. They had been sitting on the couch in Lexi’s room, both nervously leaning forward. 

She remembers thinking how soft her lips had felt, up until then she’d never kissed another girl before, it was a lot different than the usually chapped lips she’d felt. Neither of them had moved after the initial press of lips, she hadn’t been sure of Lexie, but Rue had definitely held her breath, worried if she made any sudden movements she’d scare her friend off. She had kept her eyes pressed tightly closed even though she had been curious to see her friend’s expression.

Rue knew that French kissing required more than lips and she was supposed to be playing the part of Tucker, so she slowly exhaled before gathering an ounce of courage. She slid her left hand to Lexi’s face and held her steady, before lightly slipping her tongue along the seam of her lips. She felt her slowly jolt at the new sensation, before she calmed and hesitantly opened her mouth in invitation. 

She still didn’t know what she had expected, but it definitely wasn’t what followed. The tangle of their lips and tongues, had her feeling slightly light headed and eager. It was no longer a lesson, but an exploration of soft sighs and her thumb softly caressing her friend’s cheek. At one point she heard the other girl make a noise after a particular swipe of her tongue, and she remembered trying to recreate the sound immediately.

It was Lexi who pulled away, Rue’s eyebrows were furrowed and her lips still puckered, looking at her friend in question. She had felt amazing, eyes open for the first time, thinking her friend must have felt the same. Lexi just peers at her curiously and then crushes any hopes Rue may have had by asking, “Is this, like, really weird and uncomfortable for you?”

Funny enough it really hadn’t, she felt completely comfortable playing tonsil hockey with Lexie Howard and she says as much, just not as graphically.

She pretends to think over before answering honestly, “Mm, no. Not really.”

Without commenting on her response, apparently uncomfortable Lex had mumbled an excuse about getting ready and they never mentioned it again. It was weird for a bit, Rue admits, especially since she had thought about it for a while whenever they would get together. Almost like she was waiting for Lexie to mention being nervous for any other bases that Rue would gladly volunteer for. She eventually got over her tiny whatever for Lex, that had after all been the year she’d taken a deeper turn to getting high more often. She’d made a pact with herself to not put herself in a similar situation, and yet there she had stood in Jules room not even a year later.

Luckily for her this time, the blonde had reciprocated her feelings. Or she assumes so since Jules had been the one to seek her out in her room and kiss her. Granted, there hasn’t been any late-night kissing since that night, but she figures they aren’t trying to rush anything, with Jules being new and Rue in recovery, again. The only thing that still bugs her is that she has no idea where they stand, and she’s really tried to have that conversation. She just doesn’t understand how Jules would get their ship name tattooed on her lip, but when the conversation moves to their relationship she starts spouting some nonsense about gender-normative roles and the suppression of society in pushing a monogamous agenda.

This usually ends with Rue shyly agreeing because she doesn’t really know what that means and is afraid to ask what she thinks the other girl is implying. If she really thinks about it, she does want that old-fashioned type of love, the kind where you can be snuggled up with each other on the couch talking about nothing and everything at the same time. She wants what her parents had. It’s a startling thought. Looking back at the message on her phone she knows she should respond, especially since she’d gotten a barrage of messages from Jules, once the girl had found out Rue was in the hospital.

Maybe her and the pink-haired girl just needed to have a talk she thinks, shooting Jules a text to come over this afternoon.

Just as she places her phone down, Gia walks into the room with Taco Bell.

“Have I told you much I love you?” she asks sticking her lip out and placing her hands in prayer stance. “Because, at this very moment you are my favorite sister.

Gia just gives her the side eye and hands her two soft tacos, “Yeah, yeah.”

Rue rips off the wrapper and takes a bite, her cheeks puffed up like a chipmunk. She’s hungry and sick of hospital food, sue her. Dainty eater she is not.

They end up watching Maury, and laugh at the ridiculous situations. They make bets on guessing how far into each segment the bell dings, allowing the contenders to start smacking each other. 

As she starts on her second taco, she feels the room automatic fan kick on, sending a slight breeze into the room. She shivers slightly, pulling the linen blanket tighter around her. 

“You cold?” Gia asks smirking.

Rue keeps chewing but glances at her, like no shit Sherlock, otherwise she wouldn’t be wrapped like a burrito.

“Too bad, you don’t have your hoodie, huh?”

The tone and words cause the older Howard to slowly swallow, looking down at her finished burrito. Damn. She’d have immediately taken another bite to avoid responding to Gia, but that’s just her luck. She just looks at her sister pretending to not know to what she is referring to, but then a thought hits her.

Clearing her throat, “Speaking of Lexi. How did you know she volunteers here?” 

Gia takes a sip of her drink and shrugs, “Me and Lexi are friends, we talk and stuff.”

“No, me and Lexi are friends. When are you guys even around each other besides when we’re hanging out at the house?” Okay, so maybe that’s fucking rude. But she thinks back to all of their interactions and can’t ever recall the two hanging out without her.

Obviously irritated, “Contrary to what you may think, our lives didn’t just stop when you left.”

Cue the guilt.

“Besides, last time I checked, if we’re really keeping count. I’ve been more of a friend to Lexi these last few months, than you have this whole year.”

Double guilt. Fuck, okay she knows she’s dropped the ball but she’s sort of made up for it. She feels her heckles rise in response, trying to understand what crawled up Gia’s ass. It’s like, she’s arguing her point in Lexi’s honor. And she’d be like okay, that’s cool, if it didn’t mean giving Rue that accusing glare right now.

“First of all, simmer down G. Second of all, me and Lexi are good. She’s not upset with me, so I don’t really need your shit.”

Gia shakes her head, “Of course she’s not upset with you. Pretty soon, that girl is not even going to give a fuck, and that’s when you should be worried Rue.”

What the hell is she even talking about? Whatever it is seems to bum her sister out so she only slightly scolds her, “Don’t cuss.”

She looks at Rue then, with a super freaky look in her eyes. She’d say it was wisdom, if Gia wasn’t always doing some stupid shit to get in trouble lately.

“Tell me have you even apologized for the carnival? When you basically dropped Lex like a hot potato as soon as Jules showed up. I mean I know I fucked up, by dipping out to get high with my other friends, but I never would have left her there if I thought you’d have actually ditched her.”

What the hell is she talking about now?

“I literally, have no fucking idea, what you’re talking about.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.” She sighs. “Listen, Rue. I like Jules, really. But it’s like whenever she’s around, it’s like fuck everybody else. And I can’t even tell you how much that blows, especially for those of us that have always been here for you.”

Obsession. Euphoria. Withdrawal.

The words Ali mentioned seem to reverberate in her mind. 

She tries to think back to the night of the carnival. The night had begun with her, Gia, and Lexi, walking around playing games, with girls trying to recommend rides just for Rue to veto each one. Then there was Jules…she can’t really remember seeing Lexi or Gia after that. Except when she found her sister later that night. She’d like to say she assumed her old friend had gotten a ride with her older sister, but she’s a little ashamed to realized she hadn’t even given it a thought.

She feels kind of emotional all of the sudden, she’s not sure if she tears up, but she must make an odd sound, because soon Gia is hugging her

“Just try harder, okay?”

All she can do is nod.

When Gia leaves with the promise of returning that evening, Rue pulls out her phone and shoots Lexi a text. It’s simple and inviting. It’s nowhere near the apology she knows the girl deserves, but she worries that the frequency of her ‘saying sorry’ is beginning to lose its affect.

_Perfect snuggle weather for a movie marathon =]_

============================================================================================

_4:37 p.m._

“Rue...” she hears before being smacked in the face with something soft.

She squints one eye open, the bright hospital room blinding her from seeing the figure standing over her.

“Ew, you’re drooling,” a light voice chuckles before she feels a dip in the hospital bed.

Wiping her mouth with her sleeve, she pushes herself up to turn towards her visitor. There sitting all serene and refreshed is Jules herself.

“Did you just smack me with a pillow,” her voice a bit raspy. “I’ll have you know I am injured.”

Jules just smiles and tilts her head, looking at Rue from under her eyelashes, “I’ve missed you, Rue.”

The comment causes a warmth to spread through her body, she looks away before the other girl can see her blush, but when she glances up she sees the most tragic expression on Jules’ face.

Leaning back she motions for the girl to lay down with her until they’re facing each other. 

Rue desperately wants to crack a joke and make things return to normal but she knows it’s a serious situation. She almost forgets that she’s in the hospital as a result of her illness, until Jules looks at her with that fucking expression. She honestly looks terrified. The worry in her eyes is haunting, it forces Rue to look away to the ceiling of her hospital room. She counts the tiles in her head, gathering her bearings as the other girl continues to stare back at her.

She has to remember that this is new to the other girl. They’ve always talked about her addiction and tendencies in relation to drugs and alcohol, but never this. Somehow, it’s a much harder conversation for her. She tries to think back to another time she’d had this talk. It’s a lot different than it had been back then. Then again, her and Lex had been about 10 or so. 

Her brow furrows as she continues counting, unsure why her friend keeps popping into her head. She thinks its partially because she literally ran into her that morning, the guilt she feels towards the girl, plus the fact that most of her experience with friendship ties back to Lexi, she’s her reference. Not because they like dated, or because she may have a crush or anything, just like that they’ve known each other the longest.

She comes back to the situation at hand and turns toward the pink-haired girl.

“Did all this happen because I left?” she asks carefully.

Fuck, she didn’t want her feeling responsible, “No.”

“You promise?” eyebrows raised almost unbelieving. 

“Yeah, I promise. I’ve felt like this my whole life, Jules.” She attempts to give her a smile. “Not all the time, but sometimes”

She presses their noses together, eyes fluttering at the touch... 

“You make it better, though.”

That comment felt a little off, lately that hadn’t been the case. She doesn’t want to rock the boat just yet, enjoying that they seem to be back to normal. Plus she’d missed her colorful counterpart.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” She asks confused.

“For not telling you the truth.”

It’s fucking weird. Not when Jules mentions Nate’s name and blackmail, because like, duh yeah, she called that shit. No, what’s really fucking weird is the way she had said she was sorry. Sure, one might think ‘there she goes again being overanalyzing,’ but in this instance Rue calls bullshit, her instincts have proven to be superior. She doesn’t bring it up, not when her friend is so emotional recounting her tale. But Rue sure as shit tucks that odd statement away for later.

As Jules tells her story, Rue has to, like, literally bite her tongue. For those that thought she was manic, which yeah okay she was, Rue had been about 97 percent right about everything. The sleuth strikes again. She probably shouldn’t be happy about being right, but she’s only slightly competitive and people had been calling her a crazy ass. She keeps all this to herself as Jules explains why she was a hot mess at the Halloween party. And her last thought as her and Jules are cuddled up together watching TCM films in black and white is, Fuck Nate Jacobs. 

=======================================================================================

_Middleton Mall_

_November 8th, 2019_   
_Cassie Howard_

These last few days had been excruciating for the blonde. She still hasn’t gotten the courage to tell her family what’s been going on, but she can tell by the looks Lex gives her that she’s suspicious. She hadn’t really known what her plan was to be honest, and she knows as soon as she utters the words out loud a decision would have to be made. She had hoped telling Chris, would solidify the decision she had been leaning towards in her mind, but all that had done was confuse and hurt her.

Thinking back to their talk, she knows she was being naïve in thinking they could raise a child together. She couldn’t really help herself, as soon as she’d said that loving each other would make all the difference in the world, she could see it in McKay’s eyes. He didn’t really love her, sure he had feelings for her and he loved the way she made him feel. It just wasn’t that deep painful love, where you couldn’t eat or sleep if you couldn’t be together type of love. And if she’s being completely honest, his response was a relief.

She thought that she had wanted this. To be a part of her own family, where her baby would be loved and cared for like a child should. She still wanted it, but what she realized as the day went by, as she’d spent the afternoon listening to Maddy complain about Nate and how’d they’d broken up for real this time was, that Cassie wanted to enjoy being a kid. Granted she was almost 17, but she just really wanted to have fun with her friends and be allowed to do crazy stupid things someone at her age can get away with. Adult life wasn’t far off, she didn’t want to rush it or waste time what precious time she had by having her life revolve around a guy, or worse a baby.

She’d even made herself a pact, a year of no love, which shouldn’t be hard considering she had called it quits with McKay. She hadn’t been upset with his decision, hell she was glad he’d told her, it gave her the courage to know finally that she didn’t really want to be a teenage mom either. The whole situation just made her realize that even though McKay was older than her and in college, he was still a scared little boy. She’d seen it in the way he spoke to her around Nate, refusing to stick up for her. She’d felt it in his reactions to getting punked and embarrassed, when he’d gotten rough with her during sex out of anger with himself. And where she really saw it was in the way he’d look at her sometimes, as if she were less than because of some stupid photos or the way she’d dress. That’s what really did it for her. The way he’d acted as if that wasn’t what had drawn him to her in the first place, like he hadn’t said, ‘I love you’ and asked her for the same damn photos himself.

She guesses she had held a lot in. When she broke up with him he looked sad and somehow like a weight had been taken off his shoulder, so that had sucked to see. She didn’t blame him, he was who he was when she’d started dating him. They’d parted ways and he’d asked if they could still be friends, to which she’d politely declined. Not wanting to receive any lewd texts seeing if he could still get some action post-breakup, it was like an inevitable thing with exes.

The conversation and breakup with McKay had been hard, but she knew the one she’d planned on having tonight would be worse. So when Maddy had asked her to go shopping for Winter Formal dresses, she couldn’t deny the chance to goof around with her friend and get her mind off everything.

“Dude, no offense, but what’s up with your sister?” Maddy asks holding her pinky with her own as they walk passed a few stores.

Cassie can only shrug, her sister’s been acting weird for a while now, so she’s not sure which actions her friend is referring to.

“I mean, you had to have noticed, she like started the year super depressed? She was kind of a bummer to be around, actually.” Maddie says pulling her in the direction of Sephora.

“Really, Maddy?,” Cass gives her a cautioning look even though she may have agreed with her.

She just rolls her eyes, “We were all thinking it, but that’s beside the point, I wasn’t finished.”

She calls a worker over to see if they have more of a certain lip shade in the back, before turning back to Cassie, “Lex has gotten a little extra pep in her step, lately.”

She’s honestly not sure how to respond, and let’s the other girl continue.

“Could it be, that there’s a new girl in our girl’s life?” She asks the question before applying a tester lipstick with her finger and puckering for the mirror.

She freezes next to her best friend staring at her reflection, trying to think if she’d let something slip, “Wait, Maddy, what are you talking about?”

Again with the eye roll before she turns to face her, “Ugh, Cassie. Lexie’s secret is literally the worst kept secret in town. Everyone knows she’s been in love with Rue, for like, ever. The only one that doesn’t know… is Bennet herself.”

She can do nothing but stare again. Technically, Lexi had never spoken to her about Rue. But she knew based on a few of her sister’s reactions to the hooded girl, that she was feeling something other than friendship. The night Rue, had texted her for the first time since returning home apologizing and asking her to hang out, Lex had been all gushing and on cloud nine. But when she’d returned from the skating excursion the following night, Cassie had been facetiming McKay on her bed and excused herself, as soon as she’d seen her sister’s face. She waited for her to explain her sad ass expression, thinking she just may have to kick Rue’s in-recovery ass for saying some shit.

But then when all Lexi could talk about was the damn new girl the addict had brought along, something in Cassie’s mind just clicked. Lexi Howard was jealous. She still doesn’t know how to broach the subject with her sister, not sure if she even realized her feelings herself. She thinks she’ll come to her eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later though. She’s not sure when they both became these emotional girls, because usually the two of them weren’t crybabies, but lately their room has been filled with not only her sniffles come nighttime. When she realizes Maddy is still taking she zones back in,

“-though, it’s the 21st century, this town literally gives zero fucks about who she gets horizontal with. So I don’t get the fake secrecy” she asks now with an eyelash wand in her hand applying mascara.

She has a point. Maddy could be a total grade A bitch, but she wouldn’t tell a secret that would hurt Cassie, or Lexie by extension. Plus, it’d be nice to hear another point of view.

“I don’t know. Maybe she’s worried it’ll get back to Rue?” It’s really the only reason she can think of, maybe her sister’s afraid of getting shot down. 

“Well, she sucks at hiding it, so I don’t know how Bennett isn’t aware already. Do you know how many times a day I’ve caught Lexi looking like a sad puppy, ogling Rue and her new BFF?”

Now that Cassie thinks about it she realizes there hasn’t been a time she’s seen Rue without her new friend Jules.

“Are they, like dating?” she asks Maddy.

Maddy always has the ‘chisme’ as she likes to call it.

“Hmmm, you might actually be on to something. We should ask.”

She gives her an eye roll, “Yeah okay that’s super casual. Just knock on Rue’s door and ask if she’s dating Jules. No big deal, that’s not weird at all.”

Maddy just smirks at her, “First of all, if I wanted to be stealthy I’d ask Kat, considering she’s close to the pink girl. But seeing as she’s being an UberBitch, I think I’ll settle for some casual Winter Formal conversation. Because either my Mexican Third Eye is failing me, or those two gangly girls happen to be who we’re referring to.”

Cassie follows her friend’s gaze to the stores on the opposite wall of the building, and sees none other than a chirpy Jules and grumpy looking Rue. If she wasn’t surprised by seeing the both of them, she’d have laughed at the curly haired girl’s displeasure of shopping.

Mads gives her a suspicious smile, dropping her items on the counter. 

She grabs her hand again, “Come on, let’s dig up a little dirt for Little Howie, I think she needs our sisterly intervention.”

Somehow Cassie knows this could end badly, but her curiosity to know more about her sister’s love life gets the better of her, as she follows along with Maddy.


	5. Fashionista

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you wondering about Rue's attachment to Jules, this is a Rexie endgame fit, I just want it to feel authentic and to tie into the show as much as possible, so it will be a slow burn. It just wouldn't make sense for Rue to be so into, or obsessed, about Jules and suddenly fall in love with Lexi the next day. All of the events of the show occur, this fic is more of a behind the scenes approach, with the inner workings of some of my favorite characters and a few added scenes I think could be plausible =)  
This chapter will be dual POV, Lexi and her sister will have a heart to heart about her feelings eventually. I just don't feel like it would happen this soon in the story, so I didn't want to force it. The girls are focused on something a little different at the moment anyways. I also would like to say I understand that the topic of abortion is a sensitive subject, so I tried to follow the shows lead in handling it delicately without getting into it. Lexi's opinion on the subject isn't right or wrong, I tried to think of how one might react to a sister getting pregnant in high school and did the best I could in describing the conflicting emotions. If for whatever reason I offend someone please feel free to reach out to me, because ultimately that is not my aim. This is just one chapter of a much larger story. Thank you for reading and I hope to be able to continue this story in a bit. I am coming into finals these next two weeks so please be patient, if I had it my way I'd write everyday but I've realized that's not conducive to studying in Nursing School. Thank you and please comment!

_November 8th, 2019_   
_Middleton Mall_   
_Rue_

Something was different about Jules.

It wasn’t the first time the thought had cropped up on her since she’d been released from the hospital 24 hours earlier. She’s really not sure if she could describe it as a change necessarily, just different. Neither of them had brought up her impromptu trip to the city. It’s more than a little odd, considering her friend hadn’t left her side since she’d shown up to the hospital. 

Another difference in her. 

Jules had seemingly returned to town as the friend she’d had before the Tyler/Nate situation, without the slightly pinched expressions that would sometimes cloud her face or the tenseness in her posture that betrayed her discomfort. No, Jules had reverted back to constant smiles and the flirtatious touches she knew drove Rue to an insane amount of blushing. Especially, when every so often she’d just stare at her, not like creepily or anything. But Jules would say something, Rue would respond sarcastically causing her to laugh, and then the other girl’s head would tilt. She’d just look at her and smile this super soft smile, and then of course Rue would change the subject immediately, to anything, unsure of the reaction she felt in the pit of her stomach. 

This lightness in Jules was definitely a welcomed surprise. But for some inexplicable reason, it set her on edge. Maybe she’s a pessimist, but she knows things aren’t one hundred percent okay with them at the moment. Besides trying to come up with ways to get the girl out of Nate’s blackmail scheme, they hadn’t really talked about the important stuff. And yes, Rue realizes maybe she should join Jules in her carefree endeavor, but she can’t help but feel like she’s the only one left floundering with these feelings and doubts about their relationship. It’s like everything is too good to be true. She’s not paranoid, it’s just fact. She knows there’s a converse high-top somewhere that’s bound to drop. Maybe, they’ll just take the forgive and forget approach and move forward. Ignorance and all that jazz. Or who fucking knows, maybe Jules’ trip had been just the right amount of catharsis and this was their new normal. With Jules dragging her by the hand to practically every store, trying on all of the outfits, and Rue pretending to not hate shopping just to see the exuberant expression on her face. 

“Rue, were you even listening to me?” 

Turning in the direction of the voice, she purses her lips in pretend thought, before shaking her head and responding honestly, “Nope, not at all.”

The other girl laughs, putting the phone she had been texting on back into her pocket, before pulling an assortment of hangers from the nearby rack and holding it in front of her.

“I need your opinion. Does this outfit scream more, ‘sparkling dream in the suburbs’ or ‘undress me on the dance floor with your eyes,’ you think?”

Laughing, Rue’s has to admire her friend’s penchant for making random combinations of clothing into fashionable statements. She might be bias, but she definitely thinks some of her outfits could rival some expensive ass designer work. Looking over the ensemble, the other girl holds up a sparkly light blue crop top with a pair of pink high waist leather pants. In her other hand, she holds a sheer emerald wrap that extends to just above her knees. She gives the outfit an appreciative glance, knowing Jules would look beautiful in anything, but that this combination would definitely have her eyes dueling between blue and green.

“I think, Ms. Vaughn” she starts in her attempt at a regal British voice, “that outfit is indubitably, the most elegant combination of sugar, spice, and everything not nice…save for one added accessory.”

Jules raises her right brow in question, as Rue lankily strolls, arms swinging, towards the jewelry section. After going through a few pieces she comes upon the perfect addition, a fake-crystal choker. Smiling, she skips back to her friend.

“Voila, Mademoiselle,” She says, now apparently French, presenting the choker.

She’d be offended by the shock on her face-the girl was constantly questioning her comfortable sense of fashion- if she wasn’t pleased by the way Jules’ face lit up due to her addition.

As the worker begins scanning each item at checkout, Jules is texting on her phone waiting to be given the total.

A thought strikes her, causing Rue to ask, “Are you shopping for like, a special occasion, or something? I never asked, when you mentioned hitting the mall.”

Jules looks up from her phone screen surprised, handing the sales girl her card, “Winter Formal is in a few weeks, did you forget?”

Oh, is all she can think.

“Oh.” And apparently, all she can say. They stand there looking at one another in question, she can only blink with a dumb expression on her face she’s sure.

And there goes her carefree attitude again, as Jules looks at her with furrowed brows.

“Are you, uh-”

“Did you, like, not-”

They both halt their questions on the tip of their tongues. So fucking awkward.

Jules quickly grabs her bags from the lady, and then pulls her along, throwing out a comment about forgetting something she had to pick up from the next store over.

Great communicators they were not.  
  
She’d only ever attended one school dance in high school and that had been the Freshman Formal. Since then, the idea of dances tended to leave a bad taste in her mouth. Maybe Jules liked dances? Had she committed a faux pas by not inviting her? She kind of, just had a lot going on these past few weeks. But if she had remembered about the dance, Rue still isn’t sure she would have asked her. That just seemed like a very couple-thing to do. Not that, she’s not totally down to partake in couple shit, she just doesn’t know if that’s what they were. She swears, their friends or more-than-friends status, is going to give her a shit ton of grey hair.

Just as she’s about to stop the girl to finally get everything out in the open, she hears someone shout from behind them. She pulls slightly at Jules grip, stopping her.

Jules turns to look back at her in question. Then shifts her eyes past Rue, to see the two girls slowly trailing after them. Following the taller girl’s gaze, she sees an out of breath Maddy Perez, with Cassie Howard not too far behind her.

“Shit, you long legged bitches,” She huffs trying to catch her breath as the elder Howard sidles up to her side looking fine. “We’ve been calling your name for like 10 minutes. Why are you hauling ass?”

She and Jules just give each other a glance and shrug at the shorter girl not wanting to get into their previous encounter.

“Hey Rue-Rue,” Cassie acknowledges her with a half-smile before looking to her friend and giving a little wave, “Jules.”

Maddy just crosses her arms, watching the exchange and giving Cassie a weird ass look, probably because of the hand wave. 

Jules just gives the girls a small smile in greeting.

Then for like a solid ten cringe-worthy seconds everyone is just making eye contact with one another and giving each other super uncomfortable polite smiles.

It’s giving her a bit of anxiety, but she understands that while she had grown up with these two, they don’t really know Jules, or vice versa. Then again, thinking back to Gia’s words from the other day, her and the multi-colored girl had kind of isolated themselves in their new friendship. She’d never really integrated Jules into her old “group,” or whatever, of friends. But, like also, she hadn’t really made an effort to reach out to any of the other girls either since returning to school this year. She guesses her sister may have been onto something. Lexi hadn’t been the only friend she’d, sort of, failed this past year.

Seeing Cassie again sort of threw her for a loop. Sure, she would have definitely past her in the hall at school or something this next week. But she had sort of assumed that maybe the Howard sisters were having, like a family crisis, or something. 

She hadn’t seen Lexi since their incident at the hospital. 

After she’d woken from her impromptu nap with Jules, she’d quietly fished around for her cell, trying not to wake the other girl. She figured Lexi would have shown up, seeing as how it had gotten super dark outside. Looking to her left, she saw a post-it note on the sleeve of her hospital gown. Apparently, Gia had stopped by for a bit and dropped off a set of clothes for her discharge the next day.

_R,_

_Mom’s been trying to get ahold of you. I think you had your phone on silent though, so I’ll let her know you’re alive. I left your clothes in the drawers under the sink and I brought your phone charger, its plugged into the outlet on your hospital bed along with your phone. I see you’re really trying hard there. [insert eye roll here], anyways I’ll catch you tomorrow._

_One love,_

_G._

She was confused by her sister’s sarcastic note, but chose to ignore it as she reached for her phone. She’d had two messages unread from Lexi. The first read:

_Be there at 6:30 ;P_

Seeing as the time now read a quarter past nine, she figures the other girl wasn’t heading over. It’s confirmed as much when she sees the second message time stamped at 7 pm.

_Couldn’t make it, something came up._

It was disappointing, but she was somewhat glad that Lexi hadn’t shown up. Not because she preferred hanging out with Jules instead, or anything. She’d just felt super guilty after her talk with Gia earlier in the day and began thinking that it may be best if her and Lexi reconnected one-on-one. She’d assumed she’d have heard from the other girl the next day when she’d gotten discharged. But after no word, she figured maybe she had something going on at home. 

Seeing Cassie shopping, however had her questioning her assumption.

She guesses the awkward staring continued as she zoned out, not sure for how long.

Finally though a groan comes from the shorter brunette, causing them to look at her.

Maddy rolls her eyes, “Not that all this eye contact isn’t just riveting, but there was a reason we caught up to you.”

She points to herself and then Cassie, who looked at a loss for this situation, “We saw you while we were shopping for Winter Formal dresses, and were just being nosy…about what you two were planning to wear, of course”

Great more dance talk.

Thankful for the ice breaker, Jules clears her throat before grinning at Maddy, “I actually just picked out an outfit myself.”

Maddy smirks almost conniving, before saying “Ooh bitch, let me see.”

She pulls Jules slightly to the side and they begin swapping compliments about their outfits or whatever. Rue looks to the other quiet girl in this quartet, and sees Cassie give her a small smile.

“Are you guys going together, to the dance?” she asks cautiously fiddling with her fingers.

Rue sucks in a sharp breath at Cassie’s question, before swinging her eyes towards Jules who looks like a deer caught in headlights, obviously having heard the question.

Great.

“Uh, I don’t-” she, sort of, gapes out, “I mean…we uh, haven’t-”

There’s a long pause where she keeps shooting her eyes to Jules, who is almost looking at her expectantly.

And thank sweet baby Jesus for the interruption of Maddy’s squeal, “Oh my god, I have like, THE best idea ever!”

Cassie and Jules look to her, as Rue focuses on her breathing.

Looking to Cassie, “Let’s do a caravan date.”

Seeming to understand the girl’s odd request, Cassie lights up nodding her head quickly in agreement. They almost seem to be having a conversation without words right in front of them.

Maddy sharply turns towards them with an intense expression, causing both her and Jules to jump slightly.

“It could be a great way to reconnect Bennet…and get to know the new girl, aka Jules, of course. I can tell we’re gonna be fast fucking friends,” She says it without her usual snarkiness, somewhat genuine.

“I swear, we’re so on the same wave length, you’re like, my soulmate,” Cassie exclaims to the Latina tugging their pinkies together in agreement. “It’s literally, the best idea. When else is there a time when all of our friends are single? We can do a group hang and be each other’s dates. You Kat, B.B., Us, Jules, Rue and Lex.”

She looks to Jules, who has a hopeful look on her face. You don’t have the heart to deny her your friends, even though you really fucking hate dances and truly don’t understand the dynamics of a group date. Like will they all dance together? Or will they end up breaking into pairs? Shit. Will she have to dance? Looking up you realize they’re all looking to you, probably due to your antisocial tendencies.

You put your hands in your pant pockets and roll on the heels of your feet, nodding to the three and shrugging your shoulders up, before giving them a deadpan response, “Sounds like loads of fun.”

They all start to chatter animatedly before parting ways, she stops herself from asking Cassie about Lexie, not wanting to bring unnecessary attention to the fact that she’s not sure what’s going on with her best friend.

Jules excitement is visible though, and that makes up for the slight sling of her best friend ignoring her.

She’s texting on her phone again, before telling Rue she calls dibs on picking out her outfit.

She’s not too sure how this all got ahead of her, but she’s thankful she didn’t have to discern their relationship status from whether they went to the dance together or not. Group hangs usually weren’t her cup of tea, but she finds herself looking forward to being around all her friends again. Curious by what’s been going on in their lives the past year. She fights the urge to text Lexi, to mention the plans that had been made. Knowing the other girl had a deep distaste for dances as well. They had after all, gone to the last one together…

====================================================================================

_November 8th, 2019_   
_Howard Household_   
_Lexie_

She’s been laying on the couch in the middle of her and her sister’s shared room, looking up at the ceiling. If she closes one eye and squints just right she thinks she can almost imagine that the caulking made up of tiny mountains and valleys is the terrain of what she’d assume some other planet like Mars or Pluto looked like. Wait, she pauses eyes opening in thought, is Pluto still a planet? She remembered hearing something about it being denounced or stripped of its status, but she can’t really remember. Or doesn’t really care enough to focus on the idea anyway.

This is the favorite part of her day. It’s not exceptionally exiting, but just having these moments to zone out and get lost in random thoughts that pop into her head. Not having to be social or put on a façade for anyone. People feel like others need to be, like, one hundred percent happy, all the damn time. She never understood that. If you’re not smiling you’re pissed. If you don’t say hello or make small talk you’re being bitchy. In Lexi’s opinion, being social takes up too much damn energy. It feels so good to not smile, RBF be damned.

She stretches her arms up behind her head and her feet out onto the armrest at the end of the couch, inspecting her white Keds. She’d needed a new pair desperately but didn’t feel like leaving the house today. Maybe she’ll shoot Cassie a text, the older girl had left to go shopping. She’s always worn the same style of shoes, and clothes, her style more of a neutral expression. Much to the dismay of her friends, but Cassie never seemed to mind. 

Her sister had invited her to the Mall earlier, but she had declined, not wanting to subject herself to style critique. Not from Cassie, no her sister was always patient and kind with her. But their friend Maddy was not one to hold back her thoughts. She tries to not take offense by the remarks regarding her bland attire, because if she’s being honest she really doesn’t care what she wears to school or out on the town. Not that she goes out on the town either, she laughs to herself.

She knows Maddy means well. Plus, Kat and B.B. have all tried to push her out of her comfort zone so she knows it was never really about the clothes, just taking more risks. 

Now she’s definitely cackling by herself in her room hoping her mom doesn’t hear her. She’d just remembered, she guesses it must have been like two years ago, when they’d all had a slumber party at their house. Their house and Maddy’s had always been the go to for late night debacles and games of chance. Her mom was, what she guesses one might consider, the fun mom. She’d always leave wine coolers in the fridge, she was more partial to the harder stuff, and tell the girls that everyone was staying the night.

She smiles to herself remembering the groups impromptu slumber intervention back in the 7th grade. They had sat her down on this very couch she was laying on, and in no uncertain terms told her that next year would be high school so she needed to step her game up. What proceeded was every girl getting the chance to dress her up and apply her makeup like she was a damn doll. If it hadn’t been for the slight buzz she might have complained, especially when it was Kat’s turn. She sits up a little too quickly, her eyes have to close for a second due to the bout of vertigo she’s experiencing. She makes her way across the room, sort of tip-toeing, because her and Cass have like this unspoken thing about privacy. But, if she’s not mistaken, she thinks she remembers her sister taking photos of each of the outfits for their fake runway, because yes, they’d even made her pose like she was Gigi Hadid.

She slowly pulls open Cassie’s nightstand, also sending up a prayer she doesn’t have like nudes of McKay, or worse like a sex toy. She shakes her head of the thought feeling judgy. She didn’t care so much what her sister got up to, but if she ran across something like that she may bring up the topic of a room divider again. They really had like no privacy.

In the top drawer of her night stand she finds a few notebooks, her retainer case, and a small pink box. She recognizes it immediately as one of her sister’s most treasured gifts from their dad. Opening it, the smooth melody of music surprises her. The music box had to have been like five years old she thinks. It had been one of the souvenirs her sister had gotten to pick the first time she’d gotten a taste of ice skating. Their dad had taken them to one of those Disney on Ice shows and the little figurine skating princess on the inside had called to Cassie. It was one of the last visits they’d had with him. She takes a drink from her bottle, shaking her head.

She tries not to think back too far, best to leave somethings in the past. Opening the smaller compartments of the box she finds photos of their family, friends, and the polaroids from her fake fashion show. Now, these memories she sure as shit does not mind remembering. She shuffles through the ridiculous photos before landing on her favorite. She feels stupid. It hadn’t even been a full 48 hours back that she had been beside herself with disappointment, she just can’t help it. There in the slightly warped photo stood her and Rue. She remembers now why she hadn’t cared too much about them trying to change the way she dresses, Rue had been alongside her the whole night too. 

She remembers the other girl laughing hysterically when B.B. had dressed her in what the other girl could only describe as, ‘hood rat vibes.’ Thinking back she realizes she remembered the night wrong, all together. It hadn’t really been an intervention for her or her style at all. It had been one for Rue, but not for drugs, it had been before they’d known just how bad her addiction had gotten. 

No, it had been about letting the other girl know her friends were there. Rue’s dad had succumbed to his illness and passed away two months before. The girls had really struggled with how to address the hurt the curly haired girl was going through. Lexie had especially been at a loss, feeling helpless not for the first time when it came to her best friend. 

Rue had love all of her family members, but she’d reserved a special place in her life for her dad. Lexie used to be envious of the relationship the two shared, they were so in sync, they’d had the same heart. Robert Bennett had been an exceptional man from what she remembered of him, and damn if that man hadn’t been over the moon about his girls.

Lexie had mourned him alongside Rue at the funeral, not as devastated but sad nonetheless. She remembers thinking how unfair it all was. Here was a man who did everything right but was cursed with this disease that stole him from his loved ones. Her own father had abandoned his family for the high that accompanied pushing poison into his own body. It wasn’t the first time she’d thought it, but it still made her feel guilty when she looks back. She’d thought for just a brief second how lucky Rue was, to know in the deepest part of her heart that her father loved her until his dying breath. She didn’t tell the other girl this, obviously, because it was definitely fucked up to tell her best friend she was lucky in that moment. When she’d looked at her friend’s face as they lowered his casket, she had immediately known how wrong she was. Rue was anything but lucky in that moment.

Time had passed, with her friend becoming more and more despondent. Rue had even taken to wearing her father’s favorite hoodie, which as Lexi looks down she happens to still be wearing at. She’d forgotten she had planned on dropping it off, time had run away from her she guesses. She’ll do it eventually…

It was sort of funny when she thinks back, how everyone gave her shit for dressing boring. She still did if she’s being honest, but that never really mattered to her. That night hadn’t been about her anyways. No, that night, she thinks looking down at the photo between her fingers, that night had been about getting their friend to smile for the first time in months. All of them had felt the small accomplishment as they’d fallen asleep whispering and with smiles on their faces.

It was one of the happiest memories she can remember with all of them.

God why does she do this to herself, she thinks taking another drink and placing the photos back in the box. There is just too many memories everywhere, even if she wanted to avoid the other girl all she had to do is pick any random childhood memory and there she was. Picturing a broken and sad Rue Bennett made it extremely hard to hold onto any disappointment and anger. She blames her eyes. And if she’s really being honest she’s not mad at Rue at all. She’s just tired of being second best, she guesses. She knows there’s literally like no way she’d be able to cut her out completely. She can totally distance herself though, which is what she’s resigned to.

She still feels kind of bad putting Gia in the middle again. She vows to check in with the younger Bennett these next few days. She doesn’t want their interactions to go back to revolving only on Rue. She’d felt guilty, even though she really didn’t do anything wrong, but she guesses maybe a line may have been crossed when she’d given Gia her sister’s passcode. She’d just really didn’t want to explain her change of mind to Rue, and she knew the other girl would know it had to do with Jules’ visit. It was never really about Jules, though.

She’s still surprised Gia agreed to deleting the messages Lexi had sent her sister. It wasn’t anything to scandalous just the few where she’d asked about the movie night and may have mentioned missing her. Gia never commented on the content of her texts, but something told her that the younger Bennett was onto her since carnival night anyways. After the deed was done she’d sent along a different message to cancel their plans, knowing Rue was asleep. She knows she’d run into the taller girl eventually, but in the meantime, she needed a reprieve from any and all stress. She finishes off her drink, closes her sister’s night stand drawer, and goes to throw away the Gatorade bottle in the bathroom trash.

Looking down a box catches her eye and Lexi immediately freezes. She feels her stomach drop as she reaches into the lined trash to read the box more clearly.

It all comes to focus. From her sister’s weird concerns about her looks, her tears when she came back from her talk with McKay, and that super bizarre conversation about secrets the other night.

=======================================================================

_The other night..._

_She’s laying on the end of her bed facing Cassie, eyebrows pinched trying to place a comment made by her sister._

_“What was that other thing”_

_“What other thing?”_

_“You said you needed advice on two things.”_

_She can’t see her sister’s expressions since she’s laying on her side facing their shared closet, but she feels her pause, “I don’t remember...what would you do?”_

_“Um, I don’t know. I’ve never really been in a situation where two guys have been interested in me”_

_“That’s ‘cause you’re shy.” Her sister would defend her until the very end, always making excuses for her nonexistent dating life to family and friends._

_“I guess so, but I’ve also never been in a situation where I’ve been interested in two guys,” or one she should add._

_“That’s also ‘cause you’re shy.” She can hear Cassie’s smile._

_“Maybe,” Lexi chuckles off her comments._

_“But if you were in my situation, what would you do?”_

_She thinks back to the secrets she keeps, and what she would do… _

_“Honestly, I don’t think I would say anything.”_

_“What if not saying something makes you feel really bad?”_

_No one said secrets didn’t hurt, she thinks in her head. Not sure where Cassie is going with this, but it’s more than a little worrisome._

_“Worse than saying it?” Lexi asks eyebrows raised._

_“Yeah”_

_“Well, then I don’t think you have any other option.” She doesn’t really agree but she knows it’s what her sister was waiting to hear so she obliges her._

=================================================================================

_Cassie was pregnant._

The initial shock had subsided.

After finding the box a few hours ago, she’d slowly walked to the center of the room and sat on the carpet, wanting to think of how to approach the subject. Being on the floor just grounded her for some reason.

She wants to be angry. Angry at her mom. Angry at McKay. Their father. And all the boys that have used and hurt her sister. The really shitty part though, is that most of all, she’s so fucking mad at Cassie. Her sister had never done anything but love her and support her, and being this pissed at her physically hurts her. Like she places a hand on her chest, because it hurts her heart. Can people die from figurative heartbreak? She just can’t fathom how this could have happened. Her sister knew better. When they’d talk about families and kids, it was always something they’d refer to way in the future, not while in high school.

She knows not a lot of people in this town didn’t have a high opinion of her sister, especially the guys. They saw Cass as an object, never a person with hopes and dreams of a life outside their small town. Only she knows how badly Cassie wanted to escape to a place where no one knew her past, not out of shame or anything, but for the chance to be free of small town persecution. She also was extremely smart. Her sister was in so many advanced courses and had even been offered a tentative scholarship if she completed a few college courses this upcoming summer. Not a lot of people outside their group knew that, preferring to label her sister as the ‘pretty one.’

She’d told her one night of this dream she’d had for the two of them. Thoughts of a large two-bedroom apartment somewhere in New York, she thinks she’d said Greenwich Village. Where the two of them could go to school and become adults together. When her sister mentioned meeting the loves of their lives amongst new friends and a local coffee shop, Lexi had to hold in a small giggle. Her sister was beyond obsessed with the 90’s tv show Friends, she’d made her re-watch the series multiple times. She’d mention getting back into skating and taking up new hobbies. And although, Lexi was a year behind her in school, her sister’s future plans had always involved her.

Her sister deserved all of those dreams coming true. Whereas, she was still confused where life would take her, her sister never doubted the future. And while she may have doubted some of her sister’s ideas on the future, she’d wanted it so badly for the older girl. Cassie deserved that future more than anything. 

She wonders how her sister had been holding it in. If it had been her she’d have definitely lost it. Lexi tended to be the more practical of the two, whereas Cassie was the optimistic dreamer. She faintly hears a car door slam shut, causing her to straighten up. She quiets and listens for any sign her sister is going be heading towards her.

But then she hears something that just kills her.

She hears her sister sobbing.

She shuffles along the floor until she’s sitting with her back along the right side of the door to their room, and cracks the door slightly.

She hears slight murmurs as the crying softens, faintly hearing her mother repeating words and phrases of comfort, such assurances as ‘everything will be okay’ and ‘I’m here for you, baby.’

Lexie hates herself for the relief she feels when she makes out words the words ‘clinic’ and ‘appointment.’ She’s not sure Cassie will ever be okay again.

She’s not sure how long she stays sitting there with her head in her hands but when she hears her sister’s footsteps making their way up, Lexi pushes herself up from the floor. She’s sort of panicking. Unsure of what to do in this situation. She’s never been the best at comforting people, she just never knows the right thing to say. Should she pretend to be asleep? 

At that very moment the door opens, and she just stands their facing it. When Cassie steps into the room and raises her tear stained eyes, Lexi does the only think she thinks feels right and pulls her sister into the tightest hug she can manage. It sets her sister off again. She runs her hands over her sister back in a calming manner. She doesn’t make any false promises or ask any questions. She’s just there and she guesses if the roles were reversed that’s all she’d need. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank y’all for reading! I’m currently hoping this will be a longer fic but that depends on if you guys want more. So let me know if you want me to continue and I’ll make sure to post regularly. Leave a comment :)


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